Shut your eyes and open your mouth..

My wife of 9 years just approached me and uttered the phrase every newly incarcerated male convict must dread to hear..

"shut your eyes and open your mouth"

She then dropped a most offensive "fizzy sour jelly sweet" into my mouth.
Now, those of you that know me, know that i cant cope with 'sour' sweets; my face goes into a spasm,I get lock-jaw, and usually end up heaving whilst clenching my butt sphincter in a vain attempt not to "touch cloth"
(much like the aforementioned 'prisoner of cell block "H")

I shall be reminding her of said incident sometime soon!

B@stard & Sh*thead saved me

Well...
Despite the cats holding me responsible for them being "fixed" on Friday, it appears they are protecting me (I suspect they've decided that when I'm gonna be "got" it's them that will do the "getting")

Just been to the loo, in the dark (yep I survived without walking into something) and came out to find them scrapping over something.. Usually a little spider or something.. Now when I managed to pull them apart, I didn't find a spider (thankfully) but I found One spider leg... BIGGER THAN MINE!!
They saved me from one of my "Telly Tubby squealing sessions"

Good lads!

Turkish take-a-way

Having a drinking session on the drinking bench with the neighbours (me on the hard stuff, "Smirnoff Ice") that turned into a take-a-way session, however...

Note to self:
When you order a chicken kebab and ask the Turkish bloke for "just a little of the chilli sauce" you need to specify "the stuff that Fluffy Unicorns can cope with"

My gobs on fire and no doubt I'll have "an arse hole like a Japanese Flag" tomorrow...