Thursday, March 31, 2011


When is "Caramel Creme" actually "Lilac"??

Well apparently... When u buy the paint from B&Q! Just like the paint we had used all downstairs 6 months ago that comes off if you fart near it (so in a house with a 3 and 7 yr old, not good..)
 So u go back to B&Q with said paint and ask..
 "hya mate, see this paint here we bought.. It's not touch safe.."
 "Huh?" comes the reply from the Smart Arsed Customer service attendant. 
"it comes off when u wipe it!"
 "wipe it?"
 (deep breath)
 "yeah, fingerprints off kiddies etc.. Ya'know.. Wipe!"
 "well don't wipe it then.."
 "You winding me up?"
 "Well Sir? Does it SAY wipe friendly? Perhaps you should have read the tin before you bought it OR heres a thought... got other more expensive paint instead then shouldn't you?!?"

 .....So Officer.. THAT is why that Spotty, Six fingered, inbred Teenager behind the customer service desk over there is now Lilac!!

The Dentist The Handcuffs & The Breasts...

Ok, I know your all dying to know the story behind my “teaser” of yesterday, so here it is…..
Wadd’ya get if you cross:
• A Dentist surgery,
• A Large Black Man,
• Shiny hand-cuffs
• and a Pair of breasts…?
I went back to dentist yesterday with the on-going saga of the new crown, that just aint a happy bunny.
Was sat in the reception, which isn’t big, but then a giant of a man came in with 2 other peoples, someone very official looking and a woman.
The man was a VERY big black man, dressed in very fancy ‘American’ style tracksuit, hoody, with an ipod (and something I hadn’t seen at the time, but I’ll tell u in a minute), they approached the reception desk, and the large man (who WAS American as it happens) said “You have a m*ther f*cking appointment for me!” at which point his ‘guests’ went mental at him and told him to “Si’down!”
(I may have pumped a little at this point!)
Luckily he didn’t sit next to me, but they then got ushered into one of the other rooms quite quickly, now… me being “Sherlock Holmes younger brother” should have sussed at this point, but he wasn’t in that room long before he came back out and was ‘forcefully’ plonked down…. NEXT TO ME!
It was this point I noticed the shiny hand-cuffs (I definitely pumped a little at this point & may even have touched cloth)
Me having the vivid imagination that I do, had visions this bloke (obviously not a Vicar… was actually a convict) and that he was gonna probably kill and eat everyone in the Dentists, turn to me, say “You got a pretty mouth” and I’d end up having rectal reconstruction surgery (not that I think I have enough skin to graft into what would surely be a VERY LARGE void between my butt-cheeks!)
Thankfully I got called through to the other room at this point, and before the lady had finished my name “Mar…k” I was in the room, sat down and had started drilling my own teeth! (well.. if I’m gonna go, I’m bloody well doing it myself albeit, I think suicide with a dentist’s drill would take an awfully long time?)
Ok, much-ado-about-nothing, the dentist reminded me many times how grateful I should be about her seeing me for the 6th. Time in about 3 weeks, cos she’d very busy and has a very important meeting in about half an hour in St. Helens (in fact, I didn’t really hear most of this, I was still wondering how I would block out the sexual-assault I was sure to be subjected to back in reception) anyway, long story short, the ‘temporary’ appointment over, the dentist finished with me, sat me up and said “see you next week, gotta go, very important meeting to go to” but…. Before I left the room (which obviously I wasn’t in too much of a rush to get out of) the dentist (have I said she’s a woman?) Whipped open her ‘Dentists’ top, gown, to reveal (in the short look I was forced to have obviously) a very petite Basque, just about holding in VERY LARGE BREASTS
Well… bugger me!! (I thought – quite ironic if you think about it) and was ushered out of the room, so she could finish dressing…..
Thankfully the large convict had now vacated, had he seen me in my state of…. Well…. Arousal, I suspect the assault would have been a foregone conclusion!

Stupid Boy

(classic son) This morning, dropping son off at breakfast club before school. We get into foyer of building, push the buzzer, he decides he'll hide under one of the desks... Door gets buzzed open, Harry jumps up "Surprise!" taking the table top with him and all the pamphlets etc with him... Dork in training (makes me proud)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

bad Parenting 101 - what NOT to say

Ok, this is bound to be 1 of many "faux-pars" involving my children...

The other morning me and the "present" Mrs. Eastham were woken by the elephant like baby-steps of our youngest 'Izzy' (3) clambering onto the bed followed by the equally stealth-like 'Harry' (7) Izzy sprawled herself across my legs face down and the mrs. proceeded to start stroking her back, which she took great pleasure in commenting as

"See Harry... Izzy likes her back stroking just like mummy, but Daddy DOESN'T do for her anymore..."

Not to be outdone (BUT forgetting my place) I replied, in hushed tones...

"and I like having my Nads stroked too, but Mummy doesn't do THAT anymore either.."

 A millisecond passed before (in an inquisitive voice) the boy replied...

 "Aren't Nads the same as Privates?"

Monday, March 21, 2011


My EX car insurance company (ANON) took £80+ out of my bank a week ago, despite me giving them 2-3 weeks notice that I'd not be renewing, then sent me a new certificate of Insurance through. I called them to tell them they'd taken the money and sent me new paperwork - they apologised and added "the person" who dealt with your cancellation (implying they knew the 'spong' in question) didn't cancel it properly, and it would all be resolved and that she also should have sent the proof of no-claims out.. I've today received a new letter saying that they won't refund any money or send me out proof of no-claims until I return the paperwork (new certificate of insurance) they sent me out.. WHAT BOLLOX! I've just told them that's unacceptable but hit-a-brick wall I added - what if I'd shredded the paperwork, her reply "send us a letter to say you've shredded it and no longer are in posession - then we'll refund your money!" WTF??