Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Be Brave Daddy

Well, I tried to be brave tonight,

My daughter was tidying her room (pit)
And said there was a spider,
I assumed that it was a small, but scary one, so I got the hoover & tube out
Went it, had the tube extended, daughters finger on the on/off button,
Asked where it was
"There" she said, "under there.."
I looked, and saw a leg, that looked ALOT bigger than she'd intimated,
So I got ready, deep breaths mark, deep breaths..
"Be brave Daddy, be Brave!"
Then.. I Said to her,
"When I say, press the button!"
"Ok dad"
I shoved it under where the spider was,
She turned the hoover on,
Then I saw it..
It.. was.. the size.. of a BUS!!
She turned off the hoover and ran.. RAN!!
My own daughter abandoned me and I was defenceless!

F*cking Hell (sorry mum) it was MASSIVE!!

It started scurrying like Usain Bolt
I SWEAR TO GOD, it pushed a bedroom cupboard over (nearly) and am sure the house leaned to one side!!!

I turned the hoover on again and managed to suck it up the hose,

I SHIT YOU NOT... it was like a fireman's hose thrashing around until it stopped...

I hope,
And now I throw the hoover out the window, and buy a new one!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Walnut Whip

So, as you know, I'm half on one of these "milk-shake" diets at the moment, and after reading this weeks "markisms" you'll know that:

a) I have 3rd degree scalding water burns all over by hands & face from cleaning my "shaker" with hot water (that's not some sort of "in your endo" euphemism by the way)


b) I'm not allowed in the works kitchen anymore..

Well, I'm getting major sugar cravings now, and the wife (Louise) just clocked me having a sneaky "Walnut Whip"

...I figured if I was having one, I may as well go for Gold!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Well.. I didn't see that coming!

Started having these liquid "shake" lunches, and just come to the kitchen to clean it..

I'd forgotten what a colleague had told me NOT to do when cleaning them, and well.. did it anyway..

Filled it half full of BOILING water,
put the springy agitator back in,
screwed the lid on,
pressed down the drinking cap

..and shook it like a bartender making a cocktail...

"Ooh, that's warm" I thought as I  popped the lid..

The content shot out like a 70's Porn star, over everything, Me, the sink and windows!!

Tuesday, March 01, 2016


Tuesday 1st. March 2016

just been to Hospital for my "Pre-Op", in readiness for knee operation on Saturday,
now... (and I wont go into details)

On arrival, I'm asked "Have you brought your urine sample?"
which I wasn't aware I needed to bring, to which a teeny, teeny, TINY bottle is shoved into my hand and I'm gestured towards the loo..
and (as you may know) I'm EXTREMELY Bladder shy.. Public toilets, Airplanes and Trains are Murder, cant squeeze out a drop if I know someone's within 50 feet of me,
so APPROXIMATELY an hour later, I manage to bring back hat can only be described as a 'tear-drop'

(thank god I wasnt at the fertility clinic!)

Pass this to the nurse, doing my checks, etc.. and then passed into another room, to be seen by someone else (I'd assumed the surgeon)
I sits in chair, next to door, when it WHISKS open (narrowly missing my head) to which the attendee goes into panic about, thinking she'd nearly killed me
I 'jokingly' said "ooh, where there's Blame there's a Claim"

<log silent stare>

"I was joking...."
(unfortunately I think that then set the tone for the remainder of the appointment)

All the way through checking my lungs, heart etc. (not quite sure why she asked me to bend, over though?? perhaps I went into the wrong room?!)
she then starts off on a Tirade of abuse about operations at the weekend (a mine is on Saturday)
how its raping the NHS of money, paying private surgeons to do weekend operations
etc etc etc
NOW... don't get me wrong, am absolutely in admiration of Doctors, Nurses and the British NHS and despise the government(s) that have ruined it for the last 20+ years,
its not MY fault that the operation is happening on Saturday, it was supposed to be a Friday?!?
once I explained this to her, she seemed to calm down
I then asked her "are you the surgeon that will be doing my knee?"
thankfully, she said No...

I had visions of her being mid-way through the procedure, really seeing her arse
and shouting "Power to the NHS!" while deftly cutting off my balls!"

Friday, January 08, 2016

Dad... What ya doin??

Today's Markism:
(8th. January 2016)

So... Had been to the "loo" and just wrapping up (so to speak) albeit my trousers were still around my ankles, when my NEW glasses, decided to "Acapulco cliff dive" from my head, downwards towards the toilet..

Now (being an ex-navy seal) my stealth like reaction 'just' managed to divert the glasses from their impending dive into "soup" glancing them off the toilet rim,


Was my reaction...
However, it was shortlived, as from the corner of my eye, a tiny part of said glasses (one of the nose pads) dropped again, bounced around, then..


Straight Into the water...


Just as I was about to start reciting 'Shakespearinan Swearing For Dummies' I heard a teeny, tiny voice behind me..

"Dad?? What ya doin?"

I must have been a sight, stood there, Ass cheeks out, trousers round my ankles, swearing like a trooper and Glaring at the toilet....

(My 8 year old, probably scarred for life, and lined up for years of counselling)

Could have been worse, It's not like I was 'cracking one off or anything'

"Sorry Hun, Daddy needs some alone time, please go back downstairs"

So... I ask myself...
Are these New glasses THAT important to me, that I need to Violate my hand by "fishing" around in the soup that's in there....

Well, looking at the remaining nose pad, it would appear to be fairly proprietory, so I figure, I better had..

(Flash forwards)

Nose pad (and hand) cleaned etc
And put back into the glasses, but... 
Nope.. Won't stay in,
It's broke!!

"OH... FFS!!"

I've just left my daughter with a memory that will haunt her into her teens, disgusted myself by "toilet fishing" and the bloody glasses are STILL knackered!! 

What The Hell????

Sunday, January 03, 2016

Back seat driver

Today is one of the first times in ages that I've been a passenger in the back of my own car
This VW Golf was ONCE my pride & joy, when it was new; that was before:

-The youngest christened it with puke on its maiden day out, 
-The eldest broke off the rear drinks holders (now long since lost) swapping seats with his mates 
-Various fluids spilled in the back footwells and leaking bottles left on the back seats
-Looking like some kidnap victim has been clawing at the inner mouldings on the doors
-brown stains on the roof lining like Willy Wonka has exploded on the back seat
-rubbish in every possible hidey-hole
-etc etc...

I think I must actually be the father to 2 Goats and not 2 "angelic" kids


What NOT to do with the wife's hairdryer

Today's Markism:
(20th. July 2015)

Just burned my leg and ass-cheek trying to "rapid dry" my jeans with the wife's hairdryer

Air was Bastard hot down the pant leg burning the back of my thigh
Seemed to get one of the copper studs lava hot which "smarted" when it came into contact with my butt cheek!

(Not even gonna get into the Hot Spicy Dry Roasted peanuts)

Day 1, hour 1

Day 1
Hour 1
(Working from home)

Toaster has blown up
Blows all fuses in house 

But only after making the kids breakfast.. 
Me?? Nope I'm going hungry

Only complaint is the TV keeps going off!

(30th. July 2015)

Nice shirt!

Had a "stain" incident in the office kitchen today, then while wiping the wall I brought the paint off with it!
Am sure none of you are surprised?
Day had already started badly as I'd spilled coffee down my front.. And all down the stairs (which I THOUGHT I'd cleanup up.. But apparently not, so I'll have another go at cleaning that up tomorrow along with a repaint)

So, a Classic day really!
(18th. August 2015)

Coffee to go?

Posh coffee machine just went bonkers on me..
£1.50 in
Beep beep beep clink
Shows £1.00 credit
Press the money return button
Fizz fizz fizz
Screen displays "cleaning cycle" and starts pissing water out....
£0.00 credit

Most unhappy!
(3rd. September 2015)

Is it bath time already?

Today's Markism:
(8th. September 2015)

Working from home, and subconsciously for last hour or so I've been scratching my left thigh this it's now red raw..

So takes meeself to the bath room to put some E45 cream on, left leg up onto toilet seat (in a manly way, not at all like a lady shaving her legs or anything) lean down to right to reach for E45 tub, back up, 
"ooh dizzy" 

...fall into bath!


(8th. December 2015)

Thought I was being clever by putting washing up liquid in the washing machine (as I'd run out of detergent)
Only to notice a box of the "gel packs" on top Of microwave, just.. As I notice the washing machine appears to be full of a Winter Blizzard...


Lord of my Ring

(16th. December 2015)

So the wife's just said to me..

"Mark.. Go and bang your ring on the kitchen window, that always gets Fudge In"

(Long pause followed my much "snot bubble" laughter)

What you need to know is:

"Banging my ring" 
means tapping my wedding ring on the window frame
"Fudge" is one of the cats, that's usually attracted to the "tapping" noise


Tongue tornado

Today's Markism..
(18th. December 2015)

Wifey is out and left some of these tee-lights burning,
Well.. This one started smoking, so I motioned over, saw the wick was all that was left but glowing and smoking
Finger in mouth, licky finger and Dabby dab dab..

However, glowing wick came off on said finger and in blind PANIC, rather than doing.. Well.. ANYTHING ELSE

I touched the glowing wick (on my finger) to my tongue!


Bag of Ass

(20th. December 2015)

I obviously have a strange look about me while wandering round ASDA..
Just asked one of the attendants where the "bag of ice" might be
She replied back to me with a horrified look 
"you want a bag of Ass??"

(Big sigh)

Death of a Thousand Pricks

Tonight's Markism:
(Christmas Eve, 2015)

Wifey & the kids have been to church "Kriss Kringle" service, it's not something I go to, as I'm not particularly religious (that'll come and bit me in the ass when I try to get through those pearly gates) and also while the kids are out of the way, I get to "organise" some of tomorrow morning,
Anyhoo... Back to my injury!

Part of the tradition is for the kids to make one of these orange candle thingies, using candles, sweets, from ribbon, cocktail sticks, pins (for the ribbon) & an orange..

So they all arrived home, I was in the kitchen tidying up and sing the kitchen tee-towel
Some time later, I had need of said tee-towel, grabbed it, and then SHRIEKED in pain!!!

Dropping the towel, a myriad of inch long "needles of death" sprinkled all over the kitchen floor


About FIVE of the F*cking things didn't,
Oh.. because they were embedded in my Bloody thumb and Palm, sticking out like a Shitting porcupine!!

Much swearing and stomping around the kitchen ensued along with accusations at each member of my family in an attempt to find out which BASTARD would do something like that to me!!

Yes.. I took it personally!!

Pandoras Box

Today's Markism:

Ok, so am in McDonalds with the kids, I'm eating "stodge" cos I have a shitty cold, coughing & sneezing etc etc...

Just took a mouthful of sausage & egg Mcmuffin, with BBQ sauce when that "sneezing" feeling comes..

Ah, ah, ah
<grab the totally fucking useless McNapkins>
Ah, ah, ah
<oh come on!!>


Sausage & egg McMuffin everywhere (napkin about as useful as a chocolate teapot)
PANDORAS BOX OPEN... Everywhere!