Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Petting Zoo's are a Dangerous place!

Now, Having kids, you have to do the 'Good Parent' things every now and again, and the 'Petting Zoo' is one of those things, as them being locked in the garage with 4 cans of dog food and a tin opener is no life for them really is it?

....is it?

Anyways... I've been to about 3 'petting' zoos with my little monsters and unfortunately, me being Me, Of course.. I have been attacked...


Sheep are best found Next to Mint Sauce

On this particular occasion we went and duly bought the umpteen bags of Duck, Goat, Sheep & Mammoth food, and meandered around until we found ourselves walking up a dirt track with numerous stopping points for goats and donkeys etc, on what seemed like "Death Row".

As we approached the end of the track I noticed, up ahead, an iron gate separating off a small pasture of land; as I approached said gate, there was the oldest, nastiest looking old Ram (I'm not a genius but the big horns kind of gave it away) but such a sorrowful excuse for an animal I have never seen the likes of since, a real scrawny bag of bones all seemingly covered in it's own shit, and... there was a sign:

"Do Not Feed Ralph!"

I can't honestly say I DEFINATELY remember it being 'Ralph', but it was a name, and anything that has a name can't be all that bad... Could it?

I approached and Ralph looked at me through the bars of his virtual jail cell.. Chewing sideways on crappy grass and staring at me, well he was actually looking over my shoulder as he was also Bog-eyed, Scenning like a basketful of Welks!

"Poor Dishevelled Ralph" I thought to myself, no wonder it's scrawny, I took a Handful of food and leant over the rusty gate, stretched out my hand, evidently "offering myself" to the manky-creature to then be set upon!

This old piece of mutton was lightening fast, I was rammed over and over, clanging my hand between it's bloody horns and the gate, in a barrage of physical abuse from the seriously pissed off Mike Tyson of the Animal world.

This assault seriously affected my sex life for weeks!

Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Bastards!

My second, and equally as traumatic an incident happened a good few years ago.

Seriously, whoever thought of allowing "Wild F*cking Animals" to roam amongst children wants a good talking too...

Whilst partaking in the meandering around the various displays, and avoiding the little "munchkins" clipping adults ankles whilst on their play tractors, with NO regard for the "Highway Code" whatsoever, I happened to come upon a pack of Vietnamese pot-bellied piglets.. (now that's not why what happened next happened ok! and if you missed that one then your loss) and don't be mistaken in questioning "Piglets" YES... Piglets... Still wild animals non-the-less!

Again... Bent down, offering Food, NOT myself to these... Creatures!


Yes... Attacked, these little bastards are like "Pirahna's" of the land... VICIOUS, they have seriously nasty vampire teeth that set-about you like a band-saw...

They weren't interested in bird seed, it was Human Flesh they wanted!

Now, for some reason it was me on both occasions that was seen to be unreasonable, because it would appear that Screaming like a Telly-tubby and drop-kicking a "defenceless farm animal" into the next field is 'apparently' cruel?!

(c) SparkysDiary.com

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Wasp's need hairbrushes

Ok, so here we are in Wales, and amongst the stuff we haven't brought (like my Flip Flops) is a child's hair brush for the youngest, who looks like the "Wild Woman of Borneo" so we've literally got her one about an hour ago and she's not used it yet.

Just sat havin mi dinner on the deckin in the glorious sunshine, the brats are frolicking with the alligators at the lake (Geese actually) and I'm being harassed by Wasps... I really REALLY hate wasps, Nasty little b@stards who serve no purpose in life and should be exterminated on site.

Now, me being an ex-navy seal an'all, I've terminated a good few over the last couple of days and am now classed as an "Ace" (more than 5 kills), but I seem to have met my match today with the "Red Baron" of Wasps...

It Dives at me, Barrel Rolls, performs "Immelman turns" and Stall tactics, I've a sneaky suspicion the local hive has sent me a Pro that must have been trained by Russian MIG fighter pilots; No matter how many times I took a ninja swipe at it, he avoided me... Even the wife's "Woman's Weekly" couldn't Spank this little F*cker!

Then.... It landed... perched, teasing me, and the cocky little Bastard turned its back & pointed its Rear End at me...

"You arrogant scrote" I thought!

But.... I had a trick up my sleeve, my new weapon, 10 inches of Ass Destruction!!

The Pink Hair Brush!!

I calmly... Nee.. Stealth-like, slid my hand across the patio table, fingered the brush into the palm of my hand and gripped it like an Anaconda; I squinted and cocked my head to one side, I was primed...

And the Wasp..? He throbbed his ass and raised his sting up... "Game on!"

I lurched at it, Swinging the brush down like an Executioners Axe!


The brush exploded! All I had left was the handle!

Deathly silence.... That was until my "loving family" the ones I swore to protect, the ones I had offered myself up in sacrifice in a fight to the death...?


Even the family at the next caravan laughed.... (they obviously don't know how dangerous I am yet!)

And the Wasp...? My adversary, My..... Nemisis??

He was now perched on the bird feeder flipping me the Bird!

"Until next Time, Baron Manfred von Richthofen "

(c) SparkysDiary.com

Saturday, July 23, 2011

What the Bloody Hell?!?

So here we are in the caravan... In Wales... With the kids.... Who are now in bed!

Were both looking forwards to getting SHIT FACED!
(you never know... I may not have to do it myself!)

The wife bought "Vodka",
I bought "Tia Maria"
(no jokes please, I have acquired tastes!)

Now... This morning, as we thought we had no ice cubes, and cos I want my Tia Maria "on the rocks" (me bein a real man an'all) we put the vodka and Tia Maria in the freezer...

(ironically, we've now realised that the top tray of the freezer is choc full of ice cubes?!?!)

Ive just got my Tia Maria out from the freezer, and immediately sussed something was wrong, there was no "Glub" as I lifted up the bottle...?
I shook it, nothing...?

I unscrewed the lid, looked in, hmmm.... That don't look right?

Dipped my finger in...


What The Bloody Hell?!?

Not exactly sure why?
The Vodka is as liquid as it always is, cos its alcohol, so it doesn't freeze? but my booze isnt coming out of the bottle?

Ironically, I left it 15 minutes and it had gone back to liquid..
But when I got back to my waiting glass... my ice cubes had Bloody melted!

(c) SparkysDiary.com

Friday, July 22, 2011

On the road to our weeks holiday in Wales

Just cursing the wife for forgetting my leather flip flops for the pool...

She said "You should have bloody well packed them yourself then shouldn't you?!"

I retorted "I've had those flip flops as long as I have you.."

(I should have left it there but I couldn't let it lie could I?!??)

I then finished it with "and... they pay me more attention than you Do!"

The last I heard (before blacking out) was


(c) SparkysDiary.com

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What breakfast cereal are you?

So the other night, me and the Mrs. were watching TV, and the topic of conversation was

"what breakfast cereal are you?"

"Fruit loop!" replies the wife... "cos I'm a Little loopy but healthy"

her attention focussed on me... Not too keen on that (thinks I)...

no pressure...
no pressure...

"No bloody Idea!" I Barked.... "Silly bloody Question anyways!"

... there was a pause ...

"You're like Rice Crispies!" she said, with a quizzical, yet.... Philosophical bent...

"How the hell do you get that?" I quipped back...

"Cos.. a little bit of spooning and its
Snap, Crackle & Pop!"

(c) SparkysDiary.com

Saturday, July 16, 2011

10 again...

Has a mouthful of popping candy...
I'm 10 again...

My boy wanted it back but I locked him under the stairs where we normally keep him...

I'm a good Daddy!

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..