Monday, December 22, 2014

Bah Humbug..

Bah Humbug!

Had a madly destructive day!
After being pissed around in my doctors chemists as they'd lost my prescription then made I'm out that if I'd come and picked it up on Friday then they wouldn't have lost it?!
What.. the.. f*ck?!
How the Hell's that my fault?

Then went to chippy with the kids and waited 20 mins for my fish after they'd forgotten to put it in, to then be told when I complain that the chips they'd already wrapped would be cold but I should have told them not to wrap until they'd done the fish!

Err . I don't f*cking think so - fresh ones please!

I get home and the replacement chips are also cold!
Put them in the microwave and it goes pop
Blowing all the god damn bastard fuses in the house

Then as the brats are mithering me incessantly  about absolutely Bugger All, the TOP comes off the vinegar all over my food

(Deep breath)
Drain all the surplus vinegar off my plate and then look to put in microwave..

Oh of course!!
I can't f*cking do that can I? as it's broken!

So I fanny about with fuses for a while until the red mist overtakes me and..
The microwave is defiantly broken now as it's  been literally THROWN out into the back yard severely DENTED!


I then need to get a new microwave off Argos but of course.. I forget...
The magic "charging" elf in my house is ME which means that when everyone else in my house wants to use a tablet or laptop etc they always find them charged..
Me however, no such luck..

And can I find a charging cable that fits?
So more deep breaths and then into the car to dispose of old battered microwave, Argos and the mad car parking for all the ass-holes who left they're xmas shopping till the last minute cos of course when it's Christmas the WHOLE F*CKING world shuts down doesn't it?!


Then last but not least to Boots to drag some poor assistant over the counter whilst yelling "I WANT SOME CALM ME THE F*CK DOWN TABLETS NOW BASTARD!"

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Rail Travel

Things I've learned travelling on the train to & from Manchester this week:

1) the morning train from St. Helens is never on time. It's been late every day and the tannoy to "apologise for any inconvenience" is recorded.
I wouldn't care, but it only has 3 stops before here?
And.. taking that already late time into account it's even later arriving at Manchester?!

2) People waiting to get on the trains are just rude!
You can see them eying each other up like "The Good The Bad & The Ugly" or like this train is the last cake on the plate, then when they're jostling as the doors open its like the Bloody Oklahoma land race.
ME: Push me and I'll push you back, it's not like I like you anyway?!

3) Once on the train, the jostling and barging continues as people fight for a seat; I will quote Ben Elton (not that I like him) and an old sketch "Double seat, Double seat. . Gotta get a double seat "
ME: Again, push me and you'll end up on someone's lap, I still don't like you! AND Oh.. I'm a biter!

4) On Sitting, it's then seemingly customary to put their bags or coats on the seat next to them as a "claim" of possession.
ME: Guess what? I don't mind sitting on your coat, or yiur bag so... you really should move it!

5) If you do get a seat and your lucky enough to get one with a table,  apparently its ok to stretch your legs out as far as you can to make it uncomfortable for the person opposite you.
ME: Move them cos I like to kick!

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Age Concerned? Of course!

Todays Markism:

Nearly nudged a lovely old dear past those pearly gates at lunchtime..
(Not physically, that'd just be sick!)

Accidentally knocked over one of those giant, Bright Orange "warning: wet floor" cones at ASDA,
Went with a Hell of a "BANG!"   
Frightened the shit out of the old dear...

I'm blaming the person I was with (Sarah) She knows what I'm like, and she should have guided me out of its way, am sure the Bastard jumped out in-front of me...
(The Cone, not the old lady!)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


Quite by accident, I Invented a new word just now

(Pronounced 'Hurgh-Eee-dee-uss')

As I was trying to 'deftly' climb the stairs to Bedfordshire just now, (in great pain I might add, as it feels like someone has blow-torched  my Achilles tendons having been out for a trot with the boy earlier this evening), I was taken aback at the sight of the "present-wife's" bed socks when my body seemingly gave up on me, went into a frantic spasm, and could no longer continue climbing; thus beset itself to start staggering back down;  I was clambering at the banister, narrowly avoiding pulling the cat through the spibdles, whilst gasping for air as I felt like I'd swallowed my tongue...

Hence, instead of what I was 'supposed' to say "<those socks are> Hideous!"

...Out came the alternate


Saturday, April 26, 2014

"Shite Craft"

So, the boy has been playing that bloody awful "Minecraft" ALL morning, with his younger sister and a friend;
However, it would appear that the others have well... kind of destroyed one of his worlds which apparently is:

*) giving his diamonds away,
*) letting his chickens get eaten by zombie sheep,
*) handing his swords into the local police station in an amnesty,
*) allowing said sheep to move out
*) and then burning his house down..

Now normally I'd vent at him and say "its a game" but when he told us all he had left was "flowers!"
well... we just pissed ourselves!

Good parenting 1 on 1
"Super Nanny" has nothing on us...

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Boxing with Little Miss

Markism of the day:

So stood in the sidelines watching the lad playing rugby, when little miss asks me why her brother has yellow teeth

"That's a gum guard Hun, so he doesn't smash his teeth.. Rugby players and boxers wear them"

(This is where it went sideways..)

Izzy starts boxing with me at this point, and uppercuts" me straight in the knackers!!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Today's "Markism"

On this one I think I got away with very lightly!

In office and a "pee-break" beckoned...

Went in, and unusually for me (another story, another time) I decided to pee standing up.. (Like I said, another story, another time!)

So there I was, 
trousers undone, 
proverbial "appendage" in hand, 
whistling a merry tune, when the airfreshener that we have in there (one of those battery powered, self timing spray ones) decided it had seen enough if my bits and did its "PSSSSSSST!" At me,

Now... When I say ME what I mean is that this "weapon of mass destruction" is on a shelf, at "appendage" height, and was aimed directly at me...

Thankfully, it didn't spray me enough to have been an agonising inconvenience, 
However, it meant I've gone all the remainder of the day smelling of rose petals in my nether regions...
thankfully, it didn't spray me enough to have been Molton acid!

(Hence, got off lightly!)