Friday, November 18, 2011

Bad Parenting Guide: November 2011

Note to Self:

Whilst watching 'Children in Need', and seeing all the people dressed up; coming out with something like "They should have a Tarts & Vicars Do on TV to raise money, I'd pay a fortune!"

....Is not a good thing Infront of your wife or your 7 year old boy...
"Tarts and Vicars dad?!"

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Batteries Not Included

Still can't believe I actually did this earlier in the evening of last nights Bonfire Night, and hadn't realised until later on... but I'll just skip to the end and then recap on how I got there.

We'd been out to the Fireworks display at Sherdley Park, which involved us parking the car nearby, then walking about half a mile to the Park; during this walk I had felt what I can only describe as a "Pinch" in a rather delicate position in my "undercarriage", which I made en-situ 'adjustments' to but again, without finding the source of said "pinch" I made a joke about having some unwanted visitors in my Undies...

I never had any more episodes at all (from memory) throughout the evenings Bangs, Crackles and Fizzes, even survived a half hour queue for a £15 burger, hot-dog and 2 portions of chips.

It was only when we arrived back at home some hours later that the "pinch" revealed itself to me...

What you need to know at this point is that apart from my Chronic "Bladder-Shyness" (something I'll tell you about in another story) is that on occasion (usually 3am or when I'm worse for wear from a "Tia-Maria" session) I "Sit" when I "pee" partly because I tend to do alot of thinking and 'drift' off during this particular bodily-function, but also I have also had at least one event involving an 'unfortunate case of mistaken identity' with a 'dirty wash basket' in an unfamiliar bathroom...

Anyway... So there I am, entering my own downstairs toilet, unzipped, pants down, and "sit", when there was a...

"Huh?!" I pondered, doubling myself up to look down into the toilet, when I made out a.... Battery, YES a Duracell, Triple-A Battery.... resting in the bottom of my Toilet!

<Moments passed with an accompanying Frown>

"What the Bloody Hell?"

Then..... it all came flooding back!

Some hours earlier, while upstairs on the computer, my wife asked if I had any batteries for a Christmas toy that hadn't been used since.. well.. Christmas; and when I say Christmas Toy, I don't mean an "Ann Summers" Christmas toy, I mean a Child's VERY loud Guitar (Thanks Uncle Ant!), now when she was getting these batteries (the before mentioned Triple-A's) I was reminded that I also needed 4 of these so asked her to get some for me too.

Later on downstairs, just as I was going into the toilet, she gave me my 4 batteries, and rather confused (as to why I'd need them as I was going to "Pee"), I started my usual "nesting" procedure, which is going round and around on the spot until I'm good and ready, to then sit down, to then realise that I still had the 4 batteries in my hand, so what do you do with batteries that you have in your hand that your going to... err... well... NOT need in a while, well.. any NORMAL person would put them on the Sink, or Window-sill or Floor or even put them in their pocket... but its me were talking about here isn't it, so what did I do with them....?

"Looked down and dropped them in the 'Gusset' of my Navy Seal Issue Underwear"

Why? shit knows! I just did ok!? but its as good a place as any for a temporary 'holding' position isn't it?

Now remember, earlier I said, when I'm in this position I tend to 'drift' off into never-never land? well obviously I did here also, and when I'd finished my 'procedure' I pulled everything up, and as we were Venturing out, with 2 very disorganised children, and we were LATE, I never thought anything about the extra "baggage" I was now carrying, and I cannot for the life of me understand why I didn't realise I was carrying said "4 x Triple-A's"

So here I am, hours later, Again "Sat" in the Loo, and Pondering WHY I have a Duracell Triple-A battery drowning down the toilet, and its remaining friends in the gusset of my underwear?

Now, in conclusion I have 2 questions that come to mind:

  • That "Pinch" I felt, earlier in the evening...? was it a "Pinch" or was it an "Arcing" between 2 of those batteries, in which case I came very close to putting on my own 'little' fireworks display in the car-park on our initial walk!
  • One battery was down the toilet, and only 2 remained in my pants, so where was the Fourth? Thankfully, I have the 2 kids at each end, each with a  Baseball Glove, just in case I Sneeze!


Saturday, November 05, 2011

Bad Parenting 101 - November

So, in my usual Bad Parenting mode, the "present" wife's just been arguing with the boy to get him to come downstairs (away from the TV) for 2 mins to try on a new pair of Jeans...

After a good 30 seconds she was complaining that she couldn't get into the Pants....

I (unfortunately with an audience) exclaimed...

"Is that your excuse with Daddies Pants?"

Thankfully she didn't hear the Boys reply...

Friday, November 04, 2011

Incident in the Gents at Harvester

The toilets in this new 'Harvester' restaurant near us are Awesome....
(I find I appreciate an eating place much better if they have good toilets!)

Not only are they individual 6x4 cubicles (so someone with my 'bladder shyness' can pee in freedom) they have them very smart mosaic tiles and are very flash, but the floors have this weird 'waxiness' coating (either that or the previous occupier had a really 'bad do') which I found odd and albeit curious I figured it must be some sort of 'health & safety' Non-Slip thing,... now, although.... Not obviously "Slippy" (you almost had to force your feet along the floor) there was an 'Ooziness' about it, but while I was leaning against the wall, waiting for my eldest to finish something that may very well sink a ship when it makes it out into the atlantic, I noticed my feet slowly making their way across the floor??

Now, I have my moments of pin-point focus... Unfortunately now wasn't one of them, as I was very much admiring the new taps, so whilst my feet were sliding across the floor, "simultaneously" my body was rotating along with my head until I found myself forehead pressed against the wall.. now you'd think being an ex-Navy Seal, I'd be 'atuned' to being in compromising positions wouldn't you, but having my hands jammed in my pockets and stuck IN there, then this was going to complicate things... I Did say This wasn't one of my Times of Focus!

Anyway, by this time I'm sliding down until my cheek met the toilet roll dispenser and my heels butted up against the opposing wall, my son in bulk, until he realised he was "turtling" again and got back to his 'Bizzness'

The only way I could seem to get myself out of this disjointed jam was to bend, sliding my face down the wall until my knees were touching the floor (wet floor) the very same floor that contained 'shit-knows' what... God help me of I'm seen coming out of the gents with wet knees... Thankfully I'd be coming out with a child, but come to think of it, that may actually be worse?

"Damn You Shitty Focus!"

Getting back to my feet, the boy noticed that there was a smudge mark off my forehead on the newly painted walls!


I quickly got some wet tissue and wiped...

"Double Bollox!!"

...there was now some paint smudged from the wall...

I grabbed the boy and we exited...


Thursday, November 03, 2011


(Quick one from the couch!)

The boys been shouting from upstairs (for 5 minutes, I know I should have gone up but there was something on TV)
anyway... turns out he's had a nightmare....

Like a good husband that I am, I reminded the wife it was her turn, but also reminded her she might want to wear a HazMat suit, In case hs'd Sh*t the bed?!

(always looking out for them!)