That's it, I'm resigned with the fact that my life will end tonight... At the hands of my children!
What do ALL parents ask their children before going out for a car journey above 5 minutes?
..I can't hear you?
....still can't hear you?
.......YES that's it..
"Do you need a wee?"
And WHAT do they always say?
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Dad I don't need one!"
"Please try and have one anyway"
"NOOOOOO I DONT NEEEEED ONE!!!"
So 15 minutes out, having dropped no. 1 son off at scouts, we go to the petrol garage, and 30 SECONDS INTO THE FILL..
The car starts to shake, the girl is bouncing on the front seat and banging on the windows, screaming that she's going to pee...
So there I am, £6.67 into a full refill, and I have to stop
Put the petrol pump away, grab the girl, leg it across the petrol forecourt navigating cars like Bloody Pac-Man,
BURST thru the doors and shout for "Toilet... TOILET please for my little girl.. She's desperate!"
"....we dont have public toilets, you'll have to go to Morrissons across the car park!"
..now, despite my present state if health (popping "calm me the F*CK down" tablets like they're smarties)
I resigned myself to the fact that I needed to pay 'quick sharp', then drive (nee' Scream) across the car-park and get her to the toilets
(Secretly I was hoping she'd piss like "Niagra Falls" all over the petrol garage shop floor!)
So there we are legging across the car park like "Batman & Robin" to the car,
get into the car,
Rev the Balls off my car and SCREECH off the forecourt
When she says:
"It's ok Daddy... I can wait till we get home... Can I play on your phone?"
All I can hear is my pulse in my ears!
That's it - God is punishing me for having Sex - I wouldn't care.... it was only Twice, AND.... I got a vasectomy - wasn't my balls presented to the wife on a keyring enough for him?