Monday, March 04, 2013

Daddy... I Gotta Pee

That's it, I'm resigned with the fact that my life will end tonight... At the hands of my children!

Quick question:
What do ALL parents ask their children before going out for a car journey above 5 minutes?

..I can't hear you?
....still can't hear you?
.......YES that's it.. 
"Do you need a wee?"

And WHAT do they always say?
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Dad I don't need one!"
"Please try and have one anyway"

So 15 minutes out, having dropped no. 1 son off at scouts, we go to the petrol garage, and 30 SECONDS INTO THE FILL..
The car starts to shake, the girl is bouncing on the front seat and banging on the windows, screaming that she's going to pee...
Bloody.. Brilliant!

So there I am, £6.67 into a full refill, and I have to stop
Put the petrol pump away, grab the girl, leg it across the petrol forecourt navigating cars like Bloody Pac-Man, 
BURST thru the doors and shout for "Toilet... TOILET please for my little girl.. She's desperate!"
"....we dont have public toilets, you'll have to go to Morrissons across the car park!", despite my present state if health (popping "calm me the F*CK down" tablets like they're smarties)
I resigned myself to the fact that I needed to pay 'quick sharp', then drive (nee' Scream) across the car-park and get her to the toilets 

(Secretly I was hoping she'd piss like "Niagra Falls" all over the petrol garage shop floor!)

So there we are legging across the car park like "Batman & Robin" to the car, 
get into the car, 
seat-belts fastened, 
Rev the Balls off my car and SCREECH off the forecourt
When she says:

"It's ok Daddy... I can wait till we get home... Can I play on your phone?"

All I can hear is my pulse in my ears!

That's it - God is punishing me for having Sex - I wouldn't care.... it was only Twice, AND.... I got a vasectomy - wasn't my balls presented to the wife on a keyring enough for him?

Sugar Ring Doughnuts

A THOUSAND years of human's wiping their hands on wrags or tissues (kitchen roll in this instance) has just been shattered into a billion pieces by my 5 year old, who's just finished off another Sugar Ring Doughnut...

I shout "Gargh... Why didn't you use the kitchen roll I gave you instead of wiping your sticky hands on your nice, new, clean T-shirt?"

Her reply?
"Because that didn't work!"

Sunday, March 03, 2013


Sparkys Diary (& son)

So, the son and I, alone, watching films, and microwave popcorn... What could POSSIBLY go wrong??

Well, 2 things to be honest:

Attempt 1

"Dad... How long do we put the popcorn in the microwave?"
"Until it stops popping son.. I'm nipping out to the car to put my car mats back in, back in a minute" (another story)

Son appears on front-door step..

"Dad... The microwaves bleeping"
"Ok mate... Has it stopped popping?"
"No dad!"
"Oh! Ok I'll put it on for another couple of minutes"
.......time passes.....
(Smoke billowing and stink follows!)


(Black popcorn and a feint roomy aroma aptly named "Towering Inferno" that the wife will be WELL pleased with!)

Attempt 2

"Ok Son, lets take another crack at this, even idiots can't cock this up a 2nd. Time..."
"We'll put the popcorn in for less time, AND I'll stand and watch..."

(3 minutes later, popping stopped, emptied the bag out)

TONS of unpopped corn seeds in the bottom of the plastic bowl.
"Dad, why are there so many left undone...?"
"Hmmm because we need to put them back in, lets empty out what's done, then... Put the rest  back in!"

(1 minute more)

"Dad...? Why are they still not popped?"
"Erm... Dunno, sometimes they just don't, We'll just bin'em!"
"Dad...? Why they not comin out of the bowl?"
"be.....cause... They seem to be melted into the bottom of the bowl!"

"Dont tell your mom!"