Sunday, October 25, 2015

Brass Tacks..

Very, very DEEP breath & check ones trousers moment there..
Hanging pictures back up after our recent bout of re-decorating, and I just had a proper, PROPER "Shit myself" moment...

Up a ladder, hanging picture over stairs,

I had 4 brass tacks for the picture hanger.....

And due to this taking much longer than it should I sort of lost count of the brass tacks that I had IN MY MOUTH..

1 "tap tap"
2 "tap tap"
3 "tap tap"

4 err... Where's tack number 4
Panic set in...
Where the F*ck is tack number 4??

Convinced I'd swallowed it,
Who do you call??
who do I call first??
Panic, panic

Do I go to hospital, after they laugh (surely they've seen this before) what happens?
It's brass so it won't rust?
Do I have to have an operation?
Do I have to check my turds with a knife, fork & magnet for next week?

(Manly telly tubby moment running up & down stairs)
Start gagging Mark, cough, cough dammit!

How do you do a self "Heimlich"
What to do
What to do
Should I run to a neighbour?
No Mark, your 46 not 12!!

Then..... PHEW!!!!
There it is, Under tongue...
Deeeeeep breaths Mark, deep breaths...


Do I Sit down, or change trousers??

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

It's Pissing it Down!

I pulls up outside Judo
It's PISSING it down, I tell the boy to leg it inside when some clown stops me (from the comfort of his nice, warm, dry car) to mither me about parking for football
"This is Penketh High School isn't it cos that sign says it is?"
yes (I gotta go it's raining)
"Is the football here?"
I don't know I'm here for judo it's raining!
"Is the football on in this weather?"
I don't know but it's raining and I gotta go!
"Do I know where pitch A is?"


Saturday, April 18, 2015

Wall mounted Tv

I've mounted the daughters tv on the wall of her bedroom today along with a new shelf and 2 walls worth of tv aerial cabling nicely hidden inside skirting board trunking and a big bastard cupboard, unfortunately, but not to be unexpected, this... was a Shit as it was all fed into the trunking before realising I'd used a 5 metre cable (too short) so all had to be undone so I could do it again with the 10 metre instead.

Then had to take the TV back off the wall and re mount about a foot lower as the daughter pointed out "Daddy??? I can't really see the program properly when lying on bed!"

(Note to self: check that before mounting the TV if I do this again) as such... I have some holes to fill tomorrow..

All... youll be surprised, pretty much without incident
No water damage,
No gaping "fist size" holes (just 3 tiny ones) and No electric shocks!

Only accident(s) were:

*) Taking about 5 hours instead of 2
*) Losing the skin off a knuckle with the metal part of the aerial cable (don't ask),
*) Standing on all sorts of lethal objects that I'd put down in the stupidest of places (Cos her bedroom looked like a tool shed for most of the afternoon)
*) Stabbing myself in the palm of my hand with a sharp pointy screwdriver that's meant to make pilot holes in the wall (not me)

Saturday, February 07, 2015

Kitchen Judo

Note to Self:

When talking thru various moves with the boy in preparation for his first Judo tournament..

The kitchen is NOT the best place to practice leg sweeps..

Breakfast juice, toast,plates and milk gets everywhere!