Sunday, May 29, 2011

Bad Daddy....

My boy got it into his head that he was invincible, and asked me to shoot him repeatedly with his "Nerf" gun...
He dodged, jumped and ducked, I only hit him 7 times out of 10 with the Darts, but now he hates me and wants a new Daddy...

Alas.. He's not Navy seal material!?

Mind you... I had ran out of darts and threw the gun at him as well...?

(posted later)

Second round.... I shot him in the eye!

Brilliant, I'm gonna get arrested & banged up...

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Pass the tissues...

Oh Cr@p!
My sons just revealed his new pyjamas....


Thanks Grandparents, they go well with the Autographed (in crayon) Rooney picture...
Served me well when I needed to blow my nose!


- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Saturday, May 28, 2011

It'd be rude not too...

Tremendous wedding reception food:

Turkey and gammon carvery (avin some of that)
Stuffin balls (avin some of them)
Half jacket spud (avin one of them)
Beans??? (why not... fart fodder for later)
Rice (go on then)
Chicken tikka curry (and a scoop of that)
Poppadoms (shut yeah, love those!)

Well... War might break out tomorrow and I'll need to be fightin fit if I get called back up to be a navy (baby) seal!

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Sunday, May 22, 2011

WWF in my bed

Well, obviously not really, or in any sort of sexual connotation either, (married with children [or as a friend of ours reminds me, FPO's "Fun Prevention Officers"] ) this involves my 3 year old coming in to do her usual

"...It's wake up time and I want 'up' & breakfast NOW....... Bitch!"

(she thinks very highly of me even at this age)

So far I've had a pile-drive, clothesline, head butt, bellclap (something that had I not already had a vasectomy would have saved me the hassle) elbow to the eye, knee strike AND a double axe handle...

Its like being in bed with the late WWF/WWE STAR 'Macho Man Randy Bloody Savage'
Oh! and Not forgetting the complimentary NERF darts shot point blank into my face (thankfully none to the Bollox thus far!)

I'm actually quite looking forward to my future booking into an old people's home, at least I'll get some piece alone (sex will still be a past memory as the present "mrs", being younger than me, will have done one with my pension) and if I do piss myself I'll be comforted in the knowledge that I'll be warm for a while, and no-one will steal that!

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Target practice

Am being repeatedly shot at by my 2 spawn this morning with Nerf guns...

The very same weapons used to pistol whip me in the Gonads earlier this week

Being smacked in the face by tiny little darts is a pleasure.... Something I shall repeat later with one of their legs!

The wife is not pleased with the new vocabulary I'm teaching them...

My answer ?

"It's never too early to learn the phrase "Clucking Bell"

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Spongebob's Gone To Spain!

(Apologies in advance, this story had a different name when I first posted it late last night)

About 4 years ago, I was working away this particular week Darn'Sarf, and on my way home, the "present" Mrs. rang me to say could we buy a fish (& tank) for the boy (aged 3 at this particular time)...

being not of sound mind OR body, I gave in and said, "Aye... go on, we'll go tomorrow"

"As it happens, were actually at PetSmart now, so I'll just go ahead and pay for it shall I?" was her reply...

So I gets home, some hours later, walks into the kitchen and there it is....
a rectangular tank, not too big, about 18 inches by 12, bubbling away, with 2 fish, a number of fake plants (not a bad idea, going off my track record with plants)
and 2 plastic characters embedded in the sand... "Spongebob" (SpongeBob Schwammkopf to my Austrian friend)
and "Patrick" from Spongebob Squarepants no less...

As such, the 2 fish were called "Spongebob & Patrick"

Now, these Fish, Tank, 2 bags of grit, 3 crappy plastic plants, a pump and filter along with various other tank-estate cr@p cost somewhere in region of £50, not a bank-breaker by any means (just yet) and it put a smile on my boys face (at this time I was a good Daddy!)

Flash forward a week, and the tank was green, had been ignored by the boy after about 2 days, used to make a humming noise that you could hear at night in bed.... and annoyed the sh*t out of me every time I went into the kitchen as it stank!

So, I would read up on it (Google) emptied about 40% of the water, put freshly boiled water in...


No... of course I wasnt that stupid, I'd let it go cold obviously, and then top up the tank.....

Next Day... NOTHING!..... it was still full of cr@p and the fish weren't looking too healthy either, in fact, Patrick was looking decidedly not happy at all....

Belly up, he wasn't at his best!

So, I flushed him, went back to Petsmart, got a new one, and also got conned into buying some crap chemicals and new 'charcoal' pellets (for the filter), put it all back together and said no more...

Harry (the boy) never noticed anything... like I said, he'd got bored by this point, probably sat in a corner and found that wobbly thing down his trousers far more interesting....

a few days later, down for breakfast, and checked the tank, DEAD....


another dead fish, God knows which one it was, they looked the same to me...

Off I went back to PetSmart, another fish, some more chemicals, one of those glass cleaner things that looks like a back scratcher But it had a razor blade on the end (Don't Worry... it had a "This Is Not A Back Scratcher - Not To Be Used By Mark" Warning on it!) and I think I had a PetSmart 'Pay on the Never Never' Credit Card by this point!

Got home, emptied the usual x% of Water, cleaned it out, fish back in (in a bag for an hour)... emptied out.... Child non-the-wiser...

Another week....
Another Dead Fish!

"Jesus Christ" (I said a little prayer) and Flushed.....

We told Harry that "Spongebob" had gone to Spain (for his holidays....)

He's easily lied to my lad (makes it easier for me to be a bad Daddy!) and Off I went back to PetSmart, No more Fish, No more chemicals (I seem to recall telling the salesman to go Bugger Himself when he offered me some) but I resigned myself to buying a tank hoover.... not one of those battery powered ones (that would have made sense had I seen what was coming) but a much cheaper option.... a Manual Cyphon that you had to SUCK, meaning that someone as stupid as me, should have been videoed using it, cos I must have swallowed half the friggin tank (so it went in the bin, along with most of my stomach contents.... and my underwear, cos it came out the other end I think!

So... here we are, some weeks later, down to just "Patrick", with still a smelly, skanky tank!

I get home, Wife and Boy not home yet, and "Patrick" is on his side, on the top of the water, gulping but lookin real cr@p!!


I ring my Dad (he has Koi Carp bigger than Me in his outside Ponds... He'll know what to do...

"The Fish are dyin.... I aint spending anymore money.... whats the most Humane way I can put it out of its misery..?"
"Well son.... when I have to 'cull' one of my carp, I get it out of the pond.."
"Sedate it..."

"...and then put a knife across the back of its neck... Done!"
"WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!? I cant do that.... Jesus Man, how were you EVER a Parent?!"

I ended the telephone conversation, and went to PetSmart... Sickened!

"Hya... Me again (looking sheepish)... Whats the most humane way of putting my fish down..?"

< dumb look >

"Yes... Really!"
"Seriously Sir? Why... would you want to put a fish down?"

"Cos its really not well, I've spent my mortgage on it and its a £3 bloody fish... I COULD have just kept buyng replacements" (that just dawned on me by the way!) "but... NOOOOOO I had to let you lot keep conning me into buying chemicals and any old Tat you had lying around... well NO MORE MISTER!"
"ok sir.... you could flush it down the toilet?"
"Seriously.... NOOOOO thats awful... it'll get trapped in the soil pipes under my house, and lie there... FLAPPING..... for hours, GASPING.... WHEEEEEEZING.... DYYYYYING!"

< dumber look >

"Ok Sir... this is what you do.... Get a plastic SEALABLE bag..."
"catch the fish in it, with some of the tank water...."
"Seal the bag....."

(at this point I thought he was gonna tell me to hit the bag with a hammer)

"Then... put it in your freezer!"

.................. Dumb Look From Me...............
"?? Your Taking the Piss Right ??"
< Long Pause >

"No... Thats the most humane way to kill your fish, its like Winter, you put it into hybernation and then just leave it in there for about 2 hours.... to freeze to death.... but it'll be asleep!"

(I suspect they were taking pictures and selling pictures for that web site "" at this time)

Anyhow.... I googled it when I got home, and it is 'kind of' right...

So.... sealable butty bag in hand, I sat on a chair... in the kitchen.... chin resting on the kitchen worktop, staring at "Patrick" through the skanky glass..... then.... I said my good bye's....

In Bag, Sealed, Stomped into utility room (under stairs), Freezer compartment open, moved my Oven chips to one side, and shoved him in....

SLAM! Jobs a Good'un!

I shut the door, and left him in there.... alone.... without a friend (Cos Spongebob had gone down the Shitter already remember!?)

a few hours later, the Wife came home (with the Boy) Saw the Tank, CLEANED AND EMPTY and asked....

"Where's Patrick?"
"Spain.... with Spongebob!" I replied

I sat him infront of the TV (cos I'm a caring parent like that) and guided the "Mrs" under the stairs (I shouldn't have done that cos we now have 2 kids..) Anyways..., (Whispering)....

"Patrick's in the Freezer"

< dumb look >
"What?" (with a quizzicle look)
"Patrick... is in... the Freezer!" (with that dumb eye-brow twitchin thing that you do, when your being a sneaky b@stard! And nodding at the top compartment)

"Are you Insane?"
< very offended look >

"Of course not.... thats what PetSmart told me to do, to put the fish out of its misery.... HYBERNATION..."

< her gob hit the floor >

< startled and very unimpressed look >

I opened the Freezer door, expecting to see an Ice-Pop and was HORRIFIED at what was there.....

The bag was frosted over, but I could just make out.... PATRICK WAS STILL ALIVE.... and his poor little mouth was still opening and closing (albeit alot slower than it should be) but still moving....

(he had a little hat, scarf and gloves on as well... it was bloody awful!)

I slammed the Freezer door and threw my back against it (as if he was gonna get out?), hands over my face...

"I'm gonna be sick!"
"Have you rang your Dad and asked him what to do?"
"Yes of course, but he wanted me to cut its F*cking Head off for gods sake, How Sick Is That?!"

< long, sorrowful and bemused look >
"Ring your Bloody Dad... Moron!"

..ring ring..... ring ring..... ring ring...

"Hello..... is Dad there?"
"Yep hang on.......... Hello, what have you done now?"
"Dad... this fish..."
"I couldn't cut its head off, so I've done what PetSmart told me to do..."
"and that is?"

....."put it in a bag of water... and into the Freezer!"


(you have to picture me looking at you now with that "Twonk" look)

"Why didn't you do what I told you to do instead...?"
(Squinting... I replied) "....innnnnnnnstead?"

"Yeah.... take it to the Pond at the bottom of your road and release it into the Wild....? It'll most likely Die, but..... you never know?!"


I hung up, threw open the freezer door again and grabbed the bag... it was bloody cold as well, and had frosty sh*t all over it!

"Your gonna have to come with me!" I shouted at the wife....
"Cos If I've gotta drive down there, I'll have to put Patrick on the passenger seat, and he might roll off into the footwell and hurt himself!"

< she gave me that "open mouth" look again >

VROOM! off I shot down the road (its only about 200 yards, but I wanted to get there quick... every... second... counted!)

Now what you need to know at this point is that as a new Estate, we still didn't have too much street lighting, so it was pitch black as I got to the Lake; there are a few houses that overlook that part casting what little light they had over me as I pulled over, crept out of the car, took the little "baggy" and lumbered down the embankment to the Lakes edge.... I must have looked like a Serial Killer, disposing of his Prey... and I bloody well felt like it!

I looked into the bag, nose pressed against the bag.... said my apologies (twice), opened the bag and dropped Patrick into the freezing water...


he just floated there.... Lifeless....Still..... ALONE!

I prodded him, he twitched a little.... gave a flick of his little Tail and swam off... about a metre...

PHEW... I Won't goto Hell Afterall!

There was an Almighty SWOOSHING noise, and a HELL of a Gust of Wind...
I felt like I was being repeatedly hit by a Tornado.....

About a Dozen Canadian Geese set upon Patrick like a Baboon on a Toffee Apple...

I was knocked back... "PATRICK!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO?!"

and then..... SILENCE!
I was Sickened.... Again................................. to this day, I don't know if he survived......


What have I learned this morning..?

That when I tell my daughter (Izzy, 3) to go wake her bother (Harry, 7) that there's always a "Slap" followed by a scream...

He's now awake...

I'll learn it again tomorrow.. I'm such a bad parent :0)

- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Eurovision Lush

Watching Eurovision and I Just made the wife (another) vodka & coke...

From the kitchen, Taking a Swig of Beer I shouted
"How much vodka?"

She replied
"Two fingers"

...Shocked Shitless and Spitting my drink all over the kitchen cupboards I Screeched back

"Bloody Hell Woman!!
...Let me get you drunk first!!"


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Stradivarius I am not...

Way back when I was in Junior school (around 1976)

I would have been in the 1st. year (so I'd be around 7/8) and my brother was in the 3rd. year... the Head teacher came around asking if anyone fancied having Violin lessons.... Hands shot up like they did then, we all did that standing on tippy-toes dance seeing who could point the highest Anyways towards the end of the day, the Headmaster again came around and said that there'd been unprecedented demand (Big word for a 7 Year old!) so we'd all have to take a mini-test to find out the people who could have the lessons.....

We all went downstairs to the main hall and were all given two pencils and a few sheets of questions and told to find ourselves a spot on the floor and do the test... so me in my little grey shorts got my stuff and went and lay down near my brother....

The test went as follows :

1. Put your name at the top of the sheet - EASY!
2. Now, the first question was :

"Along the top of this sheet you will see a series of musical notes... we want you to write 'The Name' under each note"

So me being me, pencil in mouth, staring at the ceiling, thrashing my legs left and right and reading the questions 'to the letter' began to write...

...Test over, the sheets were collected, we all sat in a group, crossed legs and waited.... and waited... and waited...

The headmaster, went through the sheets, piling on the left or the right (I assumed, passed or failed)

There was a pause, he looked over his glasses at me, back at the sheet, then called one, two, ALL the teachers over, there were giggles and shaking of heads... then I was called over...

"Mark... did you read the questions?"
"Yes Sir?"
"Rrrrrright... are you being silly?"
"No Sir?"

he then showed me back my sheet of answers and pointed out my answer to the first question...

"Along the top of this sheet you will see a series of musical notes... we want you to write 'The Name' under each note"

I had written:

"The Name" "The Name" "The Name" "The Name".........

Needless to say, I never actually did get those Violin lessons.....


Sunday, May 08, 2011

You could always set fire to it?

Lost track here of whether I ever mentioned my piece of sh*t Ford XR2 (Mk1) that I once had if so you need to read my 'How not to cut rubber' story here also; anyways - I digress, will have to look into that one; HOWEVER I once had this Caspian Blue Ford XR2 car - hmm about 1989-1990'ish and when I got it (much to the amazement of everyone around me - it being such a piece of sh*t an'all) I decided it needed the full 'valet' experience (it needed a sh*t load more than that as it happens, but there you go - I had to have it!)

This involved a T-Cutting session. Now anyone in their right mind who has a 'mettallic' paint car (i.e. base colour then lacquer) knows that you just don't ever, EVER T-Cut them.

On this occasion, I thanksfully didn't ruin the paint job by doing the T-cut, but it was a pain-staking WEEKEND of a job.

It was a HOT and Sunny Day, and I was in the mood to get it a gleamin!!! so I thought

"ok - Full Monty - TCut then Wax - Oh Yeah!!!"

Out came the TCut, and I started to do the car, Panel-by-panel... The whole car took 3/4 hour to an hour, by the time I got back to panel number 1 My brother (far more worldly wide regarding cars than I) came out and started giggling at me...

"What you gigglin at Knob head" was probably what I said..

"Err... How you gonna get that TCut off the car now, Bro?" was his reply

"Waddya mean?"

"Err... well... have you tried buffing it yet?"

"No?" with a squinted and curious look, realising that there was some method to his madness, it squirmed out of my mouth.

So I got my buffing cloth and started to buff...


The noise was awful, and the cloth came apart!

"Oh SHITTY SHIT SHIT!" I realised I had a problem on my hands and to make matters worse, my mom & dad's neighbour and his son (Both of them Retards) were now taking an interest - Even Better!

I Rubbed, and I Rubbed and it wasn't comin' off....

"What should I do?" I asked my brother

"Well.. .you could try setting fire to it.... nah only jokin, try washing it with really, HOT water..."

So I did this and it brought MOST of it off luckily, but it took 2 washes.

The next day, the remainder of it came off with a Waxing

It was a painstaking weekend which was the pre-cursor to a... well.... piece of sh*t of a car!


Monday, May 02, 2011

Uncle Bob & The Chip Pan

A good few years ago (sometime Late 80's), when I lived at home, my mom and dad had a neighbour 'Bob' (who the less said about the better, think amoeba and your not far off!), anyways, this tale happened one day, when I was at home, my parents were at work, and decided to make myself..... CHIPS!

Yep, you can see this one coming a mile off can't you!

So, there I was, lunchtime... I'd peeled the potatoes, got everything else ready, and turned on the gas for my chip pan oil....

I waited..... and waited.... and waited.... occasionally dropping a chip in to see whether the fat was hot enough or not.

Knock... Knock... Knock.... (At the front door)

"Shit Bricks...." I thought to myself, "Who the hell is that?? it better not be the bloody Jehovas Witnesses..." (Ever noticed how they seem to know when your off work??

I went to the door, and it was the neighbour.... Bob! ("Oh Crap" came to mind!)

"Can you do your uncle Bob a favour please?? I've just bought a new video and can't seem to set it up...." (Trying not to sound like a dirty old man, it wasn't an old soldier type of favour!)

"Aye... Ok Bob..." shutting the door behind me, I followed him next door!

What must have been 20+ minutes passed, and I came back into the house, remembered the chips I was making, walked straight into the kitchen, picked up the bowl of freshly cut potato chips and bunged the WHOLE lot into the now WHITE-HOT chip-pan!


UP went a HUMONGOUS Ball of flame and thick black smoke, hitting the kitchen ceiling, and sending me out of the kitchen door with the force of a bomb..

Coughing and spluttering, I wiped at my face, (making sure I still had a nose), to see a thick black plume of smoke rising from the kitchen door into the sky....


I dashed back into the kitchen (because YES, I am that stupid!) to find that THANKFULLY, the fire had blown itself out, but still managed to throw a damp towel over the pan, and turn off the gas....

The kitchen was an absolute mess!

Everything was black, the walls, the ceiling, the light bulb; the kitchen extractor filter had melted inside

...and the smell... the smell was just awful, but I didn't have time to change my pants just yet, I had a mother of a job to do first!

What the Hell was I gonna do.... I called mom (I wasn't crying ok, just thought I needed to speak to someone!) and told her what had happened. Thankfully (she knows me remember) she asked me if I was ok, BEFORE shouting the abuse down the phone.... (just what I needed right then!) then she told me to try bleaching the walls and ceiling (Artex) ..... It DIDN'T work!

I seem to recall Bob knocking again, I seem to recall slamming the door in his face around this time!

Luckily, as we'd only just moved into the house, and it was recently decorated, I managed to find the correct ceiling paint and wall paint and started to re-paint. Some hours later, I realised that I couldn't get to part of the ceiling that was just above a make-shift cupboard my Dad had made, and thought "Bollocks to it... If I can't get in there, then the smoke won't have!" (hmmmm how wrong could I be!)

Everything looked spik-and-span (Cool) and I'd finished, left all the windows and doors open, cut an onion (I read something about onions neutralising paint smells in Cosmopolitan or something) just in time for my Dad to come home, who seemed NOT to suspect a thing (apart from the burning smell, which I put down to burned toast!)

I wagged off work the next day, to re-do the painting again, just for good measure!

Now.... fast forward a good few years (mid-90's)

I wasn't at home this particular weekend, when my dad and mom (who'd forgot) decided to re-decorate the kitchen.....


The first sign was that the ceiling rose, y'know... the thing that holds the lampshade up to the ceiling, seemed to be fused (thru heat) together and basically has to be YANKED off the ceiling to be replaced....


When the old make-shift cupboard was removed from the wall, the teenie-tiny gap that was above it (that I couldn't get into) suddenly was exposed to show a BLACK RECTANGLE of soot on the ceiling.....

My phone rang......

ME: "hello.... it is... wassup mom?"
MOM: "Err.... remember that little chip-pan accident you had some years ago...."
ME: "Erm.... yeah vaguely.... why?"
MOM: "well.... your dad's just found out about it....."


Sunday, May 01, 2011

Don't... close your eyes on the Train

Ok, it was sometime 1987 (I'm 16/17) and to be honest, Virginal when it comes to Travelling alone, especially on a train.

I'd just begun my YTS 2nd. Year (on-site) with a company, and was feeling quite vulnerable, so my mom took me to the train station, so I could catch the train up to Leyland. Now, I had NO

IDEA where Leyland was, other than as I couldn't drive, it was MILES AWAY, and I had to go there for a computer course, obviously I now know ita about 25 minutes away by car, but....

The train came, lots of hugs and tears (anyone would have thought I was going off to war!), and I boarded, with my new breifcase!

The train was FULL of school-kids, now I'd only left school about a year before, but was feeling very 'old' and in need of respect, which I didn;t get, so I had to mooch through carriage after carriage, until I got to the back, and snuggled myself in for the lengthy journey....

Stations came and went, people got on and off almost in a time-warp, I began to get drowsy, and thought, well I'll just close my eyes for 5 minutes... I suddenly awoke at the feeling that all was not well, to find myself stopped, in a covered station, ALONE!

Yep, ALONE... I jumped up in my seat, and shook off the drowsiness, looking around in panic, the scene felt like something out of the 50's Black & White B-movie 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' There wasn't a soul around...

Then, I heard the carriage door open at the end of the corridor, and peaked around the seat in-front of me, to see a conductor walking up the carriage toward me..

"Train's stopped lad... You gettin' off?"

"Errmm... Is this Leyland?" I replied

< long pause >

"Nope.... Leyland was back that way about 20 minutes ago, this is Blackpool!"


"Err.... I must have fallen asleep... how do I get back to Leyland?"

"Hmm...." the conductor pondered "If you stay put, we'll be heading back that way shortly, I'll not ask you for a new fare, just STAY AWAKE!"

and the rest.... I did indeed stay awake, and made the course, LATE!