Crackle, Buzz Crackle Crack

"SparkysDiary" near miss...

So, the kids have finally decided they want breakfast (yeah, I know, it's nearly dinner, but I'm a good Daddy like they)

Anyhoo.....

Toast with chocolate spread was the order shouted...

And as always, someone (probably me) has put the chocolate spread in the fridge, which means its solid!

So, toast is in, ETA 1 minute.. 

I know... "MICROWAVE"

But, ill unscrew the lid cos I do t want it exploding in there or anything...

In it goes, 30 seconds on the timer, go!!

I wander off for a bit, waiting for the "ding" but instead of that, I hear, 

"crack" 

"bzzzzzz" 

"crackle" 

"crack"

...legged it back into the kitchen to what appeared to be a firework display...

"Holy Shit!"

Smoke, smell and everything!!

I'd missed that there was foil around the rim of the jar...

Oops!

"Oh Shugga!"

Grrr.....

so - am working from home today as the eldest was out of school cos of the strikes (dont get me started on that sh*t)
anyways, as is always the case at home - everyone wants something and all at the same time, so here it is, 4pm and I decide "Bollox - am having a brew!"

• Go downstairs, put kettle on to boil,
• get mug out of cupboard, 
• put a spoon of coffee in
• grab the sugar bowl - none there (in to cupboard, theres our emergency fund of sugar - half bag

...and without thinking, empty most of the contents of said bag, straight into the coffee mug - not the sugar bowl!

"Shit!"

...so laff it off, go show the family how stupid I am - laff - laff - laff

back to coffee mug (now full of sugar) and what do I do???

empty the coffee mug into the sugar bowl, thus mixing the majority of the sugar with the spoon of coffee that was in the bottom.....

Shitter...

Daddy... I Gotta Pee

That's it, I'm resigned with the fact that my life will end tonight... At the hands of my children!

Quick question:
What do ALL parents ask their children before going out for a car journey above 5 minutes?

..I can't hear you?
....still can't hear you?
.......YES that's it.. 
"Do you need a wee?"

And WHAT do they always say?
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Dad I don't need one!"
"Please try and have one anyway"
"NOOOOOO I DONT NEEEEED ONE!!!"
"Ok..."

So 15 minutes out, having dropped no. 1 son off at scouts, we go to the petrol garage, and 30 SECONDS INTO THE FILL..
The car starts to shake, the girl is bouncing on the front seat and banging on the windows, screaming that she's going to pee...
...in...my...car...

Bloody.. Brilliant!

So there I am, £6.67 into a full refill, and I have to stop
Put the petrol pump away, grab the girl, leg it across the petrol forecourt navigating cars like Bloody Pac-Man, 
BURST thru the doors and shout for "Toilet... TOILET please for my little girl.. She's desperate!"
"....we dont have public toilets, you'll have to go to Morrissons across the car park!"

..now, despite my present state if health (popping "calm me the F*CK down" tablets like they're smarties)
I resigned myself to the fact that I needed to pay 'quick sharp', then drive (nee' Scream) across the car-park and get her to the toilets 

(Secretly I was hoping she'd piss like "Niagra Falls" all over the petrol garage shop floor!)

So there we are legging across the car park like "Batman & Robin" to the car, 
get into the car, 
seat-belts fastened, 
Rev the Balls off my car and SCREECH off the forecourt
When she says:

"It's ok Daddy... I can wait till we get home... Can I play on your phone?"

All I can hear is my pulse in my ears!

That's it - God is punishing me for having Sex - I wouldn't care.... it was only Twice, AND.... I got a vasectomy - wasn't my balls presented to the wife on a keyring enough for him?

Sugar Ring Doughnuts

A THOUSAND years of human's wiping their hands on wrags or tissues (kitchen roll in this instance) has just been shattered into a billion pieces by my 5 year old, who's just finished off another Sugar Ring Doughnut...

I shout "Gargh... Why didn't you use the kitchen roll I gave you instead of wiping your sticky hands on your nice, new, clean T-shirt?"

Her reply?
"Because that didn't work!"

Popcorn

Sparkys Diary (& son)

So, the son and I, alone, watching films, and microwave popcorn... What could POSSIBLY go wrong??

Well, 2 things to be honest:

Attempt 1

"Dad... How long do we put the popcorn in the microwave?"

"Until it stops popping son.. I'm nipping out to the car to put my car mats back in, back in a minute" (another story)

Son appears on front-door step..

"Dad... The microwaves bleeping"

"Ok mate... Has it stopped popping?"

"No dad!"

"Oh! Ok I'll put it on for another couple of minutes"

.......time passes.....

(Smoke billowing and stink follows!)

"SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT"

(Black popcorn and a feint roomy aroma aptly named "Towering Inferno" that the wife will be WELL pleased with!)

Attempt 2

"Ok Son, lets take another crack at this, even idiots can't cock this up a 2nd. Time..."

"We'll put the popcorn in for less time, AND I'll stand and watch..."

(3 minutes later, popping stopped, emptied the bag out)

TONS of unpopped corn seeds in the bottom of the plastic bowl.

"Dad, why are there so many left undone...?"

"Hmmm because we need to put them back in, lets empty out what's done, then... Put the rest  back in!"

(1 minute more)

"Dad...? Why are they still not popped?"

"Erm... Dunno, sometimes they just don't, We'll just bin'em!"

"Dad...? Why they not comin out of the bowl?"

............erm

"be.....cause... They seem to be melted into the bottom of the bowl!"

"Dont tell your mom!"

(c) SparkysDiary.com

Cat Litter Dinner

Is eating his tea with a knife and fork; Nothing unusual in that you might think...?

Well... It would be ok normally but my tea is actually 2 "coronation chicken" sandwiches with a side of salt & vinegar crisps
(don't tell Alex Abbey from the gym)

Ok... So why am I eating this with a knife and fork then?
Well... The wife (love that she is) made them for me to have at lunch, but I forgot when I went out for cat litter (I ended up getting a 30litre bag which weighs about 30kilos along with it) not to eat obviously, but I digress...
So AS I said, I had these sandwiches made for my dinner but forgot, getting cat litter and came back with 4 meat and potato pasties and a chicken sandwich (NO not all for me) and ate those instead

...so, WHY am I eating them, for my Tea, with a knife & fork? (I hear you SCREAM)

Because... The wife wrapped them in cling film that she then appears to have kicked around the house and dragged all the way to work behind her car as it looks like something you'd expect to find in A&E on a Saturday night!