Sunday, November 06, 2011

Batteries Not Included

Still can't believe I actually did this earlier in the evening of last nights Bonfire Night, and hadn't realised until later on... but I'll just skip to the end and then recap on how I got there.

We'd been out to the Fireworks display at Sherdley Park, which involved us parking the car nearby, then walking about half a mile to the Park; during this walk I had felt what I can only describe as a "Pinch" in a rather delicate position in my "undercarriage", which I made en-situ 'adjustments' to but again, without finding the source of said "pinch" I made a joke about having some unwanted visitors in my Undies...

I never had any more episodes at all (from memory) throughout the evenings Bangs, Crackles and Fizzes, even survived a half hour queue for a £15 burger, hot-dog and 2 portions of chips.

It was only when we arrived back at home some hours later that the "pinch" revealed itself to me...

What you need to know at this point is that apart from my Chronic "Bladder-Shyness" (something I'll tell you about in another story) is that on occasion (usually 3am or when I'm worse for wear from a "Tia-Maria" session) I "Sit" when I "pee" partly because I tend to do alot of thinking and 'drift' off during this particular bodily-function, but also I have also had at least one event involving an 'unfortunate case of mistaken identity' with a 'dirty wash basket' in an unfamiliar bathroom...

Anyway... So there I am, entering my own downstairs toilet, unzipped, pants down, and "sit", when there was a...

"Huh?!" I pondered, doubling myself up to look down into the toilet, when I made out a.... Battery, YES a Duracell, Triple-A Battery.... resting in the bottom of my Toilet!

<Moments passed with an accompanying Frown>

"What the Bloody Hell?"

Then..... it all came flooding back!

Some hours earlier, while upstairs on the computer, my wife asked if I had any batteries for a Christmas toy that hadn't been used since.. well.. Christmas; and when I say Christmas Toy, I don't mean an "Ann Summers" Christmas toy, I mean a Child's VERY loud Guitar (Thanks Uncle Ant!), now when she was getting these batteries (the before mentioned Triple-A's) I was reminded that I also needed 4 of these so asked her to get some for me too.

Later on downstairs, just as I was going into the toilet, she gave me my 4 batteries, and rather confused (as to why I'd need them as I was going to "Pee"), I started my usual "nesting" procedure, which is going round and around on the spot until I'm good and ready, to then sit down, to then realise that I still had the 4 batteries in my hand, so what do you do with batteries that you have in your hand that your going to... err... well... NOT need in a while, well.. any NORMAL person would put them on the Sink, or Window-sill or Floor or even put them in their pocket... but its me were talking about here isn't it, so what did I do with them....?

"Looked down and dropped them in the 'Gusset' of my Navy Seal Issue Underwear"

Why? shit knows! I just did ok!? but its as good a place as any for a temporary 'holding' position isn't it?

Now remember, earlier I said, when I'm in this position I tend to 'drift' off into never-never land? well obviously I did here also, and when I'd finished my 'procedure' I pulled everything up, and as we were Venturing out, with 2 very disorganised children, and we were LATE, I never thought anything about the extra "baggage" I was now carrying, and I cannot for the life of me understand why I didn't realise I was carrying said "4 x Triple-A's"

So here I am, hours later, Again "Sat" in the Loo, and Pondering WHY I have a Duracell Triple-A battery drowning down the toilet, and its remaining friends in the gusset of my underwear?

Now, in conclusion I have 2 questions that come to mind:

  • That "Pinch" I felt, earlier in the evening...? was it a "Pinch" or was it an "Arcing" between 2 of those batteries, in which case I came very close to putting on my own 'little' fireworks display in the car-park on our initial walk!
  • One battery was down the toilet, and only 2 remained in my pants, so where was the Fourth? Thankfully, I have the 2 kids at each end, each with a  Baseball Glove, just in case I Sneeze!


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