Now, Having kids, you have to do the 'Good Parent' things every now and again, and the 'Petting Zoo' is one of those things, as them being locked in the garage with 4 cans of dog food and a tin opener is no life for them really is it?
....is it?
Anyways... I've been to about 3 'petting' zoos with my little monsters and unfortunately, me being Me, Of course.. I have been attacked...
Twice!
Sheep are best found Next to Mint Sauce
On this particular occasion we went and duly bought the umpteen bags of Duck, Goat, Sheep & Mammoth food, and meandered around until we found ourselves walking up a dirt track with numerous stopping points for goats and donkeys etc, on what seemed like "Death Row".
As we approached the end of the track I noticed, up ahead, an iron gate separating off a small pasture of land; as I approached said gate, there was the oldest, nastiest looking old Ram (I'm not a genius but the big horns kind of gave it away) but such a sorrowful excuse for an animal I have never seen the likes of since, a real scrawny bag of bones all seemingly covered in it's own shit, and... there was a sign:
"Do Not Feed Ralph!"
I can't honestly say I DEFINATELY remember it being 'Ralph', but it was a name, and anything that has a name can't be all that bad... Could it?
I approached and Ralph looked at me through the bars of his virtual jail cell.. Chewing sideways on crappy grass and staring at me, well he was actually looking over my shoulder as he was also Bog-eyed, Scenning like a basketful of Welks!
"Poor Dishevelled Ralph" I thought to myself, no wonder it's scrawny, I took a Handful of food and leant over the rusty gate, stretched out my hand, evidently "offering myself" to the manky-creature to then be set upon!
This old piece of mutton was lightening fast, I was rammed over and over, clanging my hand between it's bloody horns and the gate, in a barrage of physical abuse from the seriously pissed off Mike Tyson of the Animal world.
This assault seriously affected my sex life for weeks!
Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Bastards!
My second, and equally as traumatic an incident happened a good few years ago.
Seriously, whoever thought of allowing "Wild F*cking Animals" to roam amongst children wants a good talking too...
Whilst partaking in the meandering around the various displays, and avoiding the little "munchkins" clipping adults ankles whilst on their play tractors, with NO regard for the "Highway Code" whatsoever, I happened to come upon a pack of Vietnamese pot-bellied piglets.. (now that's not why what happened next happened ok! and if you missed that one then your loss) and don't be mistaken in questioning "Piglets" YES... Piglets... Still wild animals non-the-less!
Again... Bent down, offering Food, NOT myself to these... Creatures!
I WAS SET-UPON!
Yes... Attacked, these little bastards are like "Pirahna's" of the land... VICIOUS, they have seriously nasty vampire teeth that set-about you like a band-saw...
They weren't interested in bird seed, it was Human Flesh they wanted!
Now, for some reason it was me on both occasions that was seen to be unreasonable, because it would appear that Screaming like a Telly-tubby and drop-kicking a "defenceless farm animal" into the next field is 'apparently' cruel?!
(c) SparkysDiary.com
- Posted from Sparkys iPhone..
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