Monday, May 02, 2011

Uncle Bob & The Chip Pan

A good few years ago (sometime Late 80's), when I lived at home, my mom and dad had a neighbour 'Bob' (who the less said about the better, think amoeba and your not far off!), anyways, this tale happened one day, when I was at home, my parents were at work, and decided to make myself..... CHIPS!

Yep, you can see this one coming a mile off can't you!

So, there I was, lunchtime... I'd peeled the potatoes, got everything else ready, and turned on the gas for my chip pan oil....

I waited..... and waited.... and waited.... occasionally dropping a chip in to see whether the fat was hot enough or not.

Knock... Knock... Knock.... (At the front door)

"Shit Bricks...." I thought to myself, "Who the hell is that?? it better not be the bloody Jehovas Witnesses..." (Ever noticed how they seem to know when your off work??

I went to the door, and it was the neighbour.... Bob! ("Oh Crap" came to mind!)

"Can you do your uncle Bob a favour please?? I've just bought a new video and can't seem to set it up...." (Trying not to sound like a dirty old man, it wasn't an old soldier type of favour!)

"Aye... Ok Bob..." shutting the door behind me, I followed him next door!

What must have been 20+ minutes passed, and I came back into the house, remembered the chips I was making, walked straight into the kitchen, picked up the bowl of freshly cut potato chips and bunged the WHOLE lot into the now WHITE-HOT chip-pan!


UP went a HUMONGOUS Ball of flame and thick black smoke, hitting the kitchen ceiling, and sending me out of the kitchen door with the force of a bomb..

Coughing and spluttering, I wiped at my face, (making sure I still had a nose), to see a thick black plume of smoke rising from the kitchen door into the sky....


I dashed back into the kitchen (because YES, I am that stupid!) to find that THANKFULLY, the fire had blown itself out, but still managed to throw a damp towel over the pan, and turn off the gas....

The kitchen was an absolute mess!

Everything was black, the walls, the ceiling, the light bulb; the kitchen extractor filter had melted inside

...and the smell... the smell was just awful, but I didn't have time to change my pants just yet, I had a mother of a job to do first!

What the Hell was I gonna do.... I called mom (I wasn't crying ok, just thought I needed to speak to someone!) and told her what had happened. Thankfully (she knows me remember) she asked me if I was ok, BEFORE shouting the abuse down the phone.... (just what I needed right then!) then she told me to try bleaching the walls and ceiling (Artex) ..... It DIDN'T work!

I seem to recall Bob knocking again, I seem to recall slamming the door in his face around this time!

Luckily, as we'd only just moved into the house, and it was recently decorated, I managed to find the correct ceiling paint and wall paint and started to re-paint. Some hours later, I realised that I couldn't get to part of the ceiling that was just above a make-shift cupboard my Dad had made, and thought "Bollocks to it... If I can't get in there, then the smoke won't have!" (hmmmm how wrong could I be!)

Everything looked spik-and-span (Cool) and I'd finished, left all the windows and doors open, cut an onion (I read something about onions neutralising paint smells in Cosmopolitan or something) just in time for my Dad to come home, who seemed NOT to suspect a thing (apart from the burning smell, which I put down to burned toast!)

I wagged off work the next day, to re-do the painting again, just for good measure!

Now.... fast forward a good few years (mid-90's)

I wasn't at home this particular weekend, when my dad and mom (who'd forgot) decided to re-decorate the kitchen.....


The first sign was that the ceiling rose, y'know... the thing that holds the lampshade up to the ceiling, seemed to be fused (thru heat) together and basically has to be YANKED off the ceiling to be replaced....


When the old make-shift cupboard was removed from the wall, the teenie-tiny gap that was above it (that I couldn't get into) suddenly was exposed to show a BLACK RECTANGLE of soot on the ceiling.....

My phone rang......

ME: "hello.... it is... wassup mom?"
MOM: "Err.... remember that little chip-pan accident you had some years ago...."
ME: "Erm.... yeah vaguely.... why?"
MOM: "well.... your dad's just found out about it....."



Anonymous said...

You are a dangerous man to know...

Anonymous said...

Fab, a good one again, sorry last couple have not been as funni.

OMG Bit about the pants was a Riot!