Thursday, May 19, 2011

Spongebob's Gone To Spain!

(Apologies in advance, this story had a different name when I first posted it late last night)

About 4 years ago, I was working away this particular week Darn'Sarf, and on my way home, the "present" Mrs. rang me to say could we buy a fish (& tank) for the boy (aged 3 at this particular time)...

being not of sound mind OR body, I gave in and said, "Aye... go on, we'll go tomorrow"

"As it happens, were actually at PetSmart now, so I'll just go ahead and pay for it shall I?" was her reply...

So I gets home, some hours later, walks into the kitchen and there it is....
a rectangular tank, not too big, about 18 inches by 12, bubbling away, with 2 fish, a number of fake plants (not a bad idea, going off my track record with plants)
and 2 plastic characters embedded in the sand... "Spongebob" (SpongeBob Schwammkopf to my Austrian friend)
and "Patrick" from Spongebob Squarepants no less...

As such, the 2 fish were called "Spongebob & Patrick"

Now, these Fish, Tank, 2 bags of grit, 3 crappy plastic plants, a pump and filter along with various other tank-estate cr@p cost somewhere in region of £50, not a bank-breaker by any means (just yet) and it put a smile on my boys face (at this time I was a good Daddy!)

Flash forward a week, and the tank was green, had been ignored by the boy after about 2 days, used to make a humming noise that you could hear at night in bed.... and annoyed the sh*t out of me every time I went into the kitchen as it stank!

So, I would read up on it (Google) emptied about 40% of the water, put freshly boiled water in...


No... of course I wasnt that stupid, I'd let it go cold obviously, and then top up the tank.....

Next Day... NOTHING!..... it was still full of cr@p and the fish weren't looking too healthy either, in fact, Patrick was looking decidedly not happy at all....

Belly up, he wasn't at his best!

So, I flushed him, went back to Petsmart, got a new one, and also got conned into buying some crap chemicals and new 'charcoal' pellets (for the filter), put it all back together and said no more...

Harry (the boy) never noticed anything... like I said, he'd got bored by this point, probably sat in a corner and found that wobbly thing down his trousers far more interesting....

a few days later, down for breakfast, and checked the tank, DEAD....


another dead fish, God knows which one it was, they looked the same to me...

Off I went back to PetSmart, another fish, some more chemicals, one of those glass cleaner things that looks like a back scratcher But it had a razor blade on the end (Don't Worry... it had a "This Is Not A Back Scratcher - Not To Be Used By Mark" Warning on it!) and I think I had a PetSmart 'Pay on the Never Never' Credit Card by this point!

Got home, emptied the usual x% of Water, cleaned it out, fish back in (in a bag for an hour)... emptied out.... Child non-the-wiser...

Another week....
Another Dead Fish!

"Jesus Christ" (I said a little prayer) and Flushed.....

We told Harry that "Spongebob" had gone to Spain (for his holidays....)

He's easily lied to my lad (makes it easier for me to be a bad Daddy!) and Off I went back to PetSmart, No more Fish, No more chemicals (I seem to recall telling the salesman to go Bugger Himself when he offered me some) but I resigned myself to buying a tank hoover.... not one of those battery powered ones (that would have made sense had I seen what was coming) but a much cheaper option.... a Manual Cyphon that you had to SUCK, meaning that someone as stupid as me, should have been videoed using it, cos I must have swallowed half the friggin tank (so it went in the bin, along with most of my stomach contents.... and my underwear, cos it came out the other end I think!

So... here we are, some weeks later, down to just "Patrick", with still a smelly, skanky tank!

I get home, Wife and Boy not home yet, and "Patrick" is on his side, on the top of the water, gulping but lookin real cr@p!!


I ring my Dad (he has Koi Carp bigger than Me in his outside Ponds... He'll know what to do...

"The Fish are dyin.... I aint spending anymore money.... whats the most Humane way I can put it out of its misery..?"
"Well son.... when I have to 'cull' one of my carp, I get it out of the pond.."
"Sedate it..."

"...and then put a knife across the back of its neck... Done!"
"WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!? I cant do that.... Jesus Man, how were you EVER a Parent?!"

I ended the telephone conversation, and went to PetSmart... Sickened!

"Hya... Me again (looking sheepish)... Whats the most humane way of putting my fish down..?"

< dumb look >

"Yes... Really!"
"Seriously Sir? Why... would you want to put a fish down?"

"Cos its really not well, I've spent my mortgage on it and its a £3 bloody fish... I COULD have just kept buyng replacements" (that just dawned on me by the way!) "but... NOOOOOO I had to let you lot keep conning me into buying chemicals and any old Tat you had lying around... well NO MORE MISTER!"
"ok sir.... you could flush it down the toilet?"
"Seriously.... NOOOOO thats awful... it'll get trapped in the soil pipes under my house, and lie there... FLAPPING..... for hours, GASPING.... WHEEEEEEZING.... DYYYYYING!"

< dumber look >

"Ok Sir... this is what you do.... Get a plastic SEALABLE bag..."
"catch the fish in it, with some of the tank water...."
"Seal the bag....."

(at this point I thought he was gonna tell me to hit the bag with a hammer)

"Then... put it in your freezer!"

.................. Dumb Look From Me...............
"?? Your Taking the Piss Right ??"
< Long Pause >

"No... Thats the most humane way to kill your fish, its like Winter, you put it into hybernation and then just leave it in there for about 2 hours.... to freeze to death.... but it'll be asleep!"

(I suspect they were taking pictures and selling pictures for that web site "" at this time)

Anyhow.... I googled it when I got home, and it is 'kind of' right...

So.... sealable butty bag in hand, I sat on a chair... in the kitchen.... chin resting on the kitchen worktop, staring at "Patrick" through the skanky glass..... then.... I said my good bye's....

In Bag, Sealed, Stomped into utility room (under stairs), Freezer compartment open, moved my Oven chips to one side, and shoved him in....

SLAM! Jobs a Good'un!

I shut the door, and left him in there.... alone.... without a friend (Cos Spongebob had gone down the Shitter already remember!?)

a few hours later, the Wife came home (with the Boy) Saw the Tank, CLEANED AND EMPTY and asked....

"Where's Patrick?"
"Spain.... with Spongebob!" I replied

I sat him infront of the TV (cos I'm a caring parent like that) and guided the "Mrs" under the stairs (I shouldn't have done that cos we now have 2 kids..) Anyways..., (Whispering)....

"Patrick's in the Freezer"

< dumb look >
"What?" (with a quizzicle look)
"Patrick... is in... the Freezer!" (with that dumb eye-brow twitchin thing that you do, when your being a sneaky b@stard! And nodding at the top compartment)

"Are you Insane?"
< very offended look >

"Of course not.... thats what PetSmart told me to do, to put the fish out of its misery.... HYBERNATION..."

< her gob hit the floor >

< startled and very unimpressed look >

I opened the Freezer door, expecting to see an Ice-Pop and was HORRIFIED at what was there.....

The bag was frosted over, but I could just make out.... PATRICK WAS STILL ALIVE.... and his poor little mouth was still opening and closing (albeit alot slower than it should be) but still moving....

(he had a little hat, scarf and gloves on as well... it was bloody awful!)

I slammed the Freezer door and threw my back against it (as if he was gonna get out?), hands over my face...

"I'm gonna be sick!"
"Have you rang your Dad and asked him what to do?"
"Yes of course, but he wanted me to cut its F*cking Head off for gods sake, How Sick Is That?!"

< long, sorrowful and bemused look >
"Ring your Bloody Dad... Moron!"

..ring ring..... ring ring..... ring ring...

"Hello..... is Dad there?"
"Yep hang on.......... Hello, what have you done now?"
"Dad... this fish..."
"I couldn't cut its head off, so I've done what PetSmart told me to do..."
"and that is?"

....."put it in a bag of water... and into the Freezer!"


(you have to picture me looking at you now with that "Twonk" look)

"Why didn't you do what I told you to do instead...?"
(Squinting... I replied) "....innnnnnnnstead?"

"Yeah.... take it to the Pond at the bottom of your road and release it into the Wild....? It'll most likely Die, but..... you never know?!"


I hung up, threw open the freezer door again and grabbed the bag... it was bloody cold as well, and had frosty sh*t all over it!

"Your gonna have to come with me!" I shouted at the wife....
"Cos If I've gotta drive down there, I'll have to put Patrick on the passenger seat, and he might roll off into the footwell and hurt himself!"

< she gave me that "open mouth" look again >

VROOM! off I shot down the road (its only about 200 yards, but I wanted to get there quick... every... second... counted!)

Now what you need to know at this point is that as a new Estate, we still didn't have too much street lighting, so it was pitch black as I got to the Lake; there are a few houses that overlook that part casting what little light they had over me as I pulled over, crept out of the car, took the little "baggy" and lumbered down the embankment to the Lakes edge.... I must have looked like a Serial Killer, disposing of his Prey... and I bloody well felt like it!

I looked into the bag, nose pressed against the bag.... said my apologies (twice), opened the bag and dropped Patrick into the freezing water...


he just floated there.... Lifeless....Still..... ALONE!

I prodded him, he twitched a little.... gave a flick of his little Tail and swam off... about a metre...

PHEW... I Won't goto Hell Afterall!

There was an Almighty SWOOSHING noise, and a HELL of a Gust of Wind...
I felt like I was being repeatedly hit by a Tornado.....

About a Dozen Canadian Geese set upon Patrick like a Baboon on a Toffee Apple...

I was knocked back... "PATRICK!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO?!"

and then..... SILENCE!
I was Sickened.... Again................................. to this day, I don't know if he survived......



Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Funny as f*ck. LOL