The Grinch who stole the Christmas Penguin

How I made a little girl cry (unintentionally of course) at B&Q pre-Christmas 2002 Well, I'll try to cut a long story short and say that this particlular weekend (which I'd quite fancied as being a lazy one, alas not!) we'd been to B&Q on tha Saturday as a 'drive out' rather than sitting at home, watching TV and doing Bugger all else... (nothing wrong in that you'd think), However, as we had a pile of Ironing in every spare room, and growing, we decided to get our ass in gear and do it..

[ Bear with me, I'm getting to the point of the story, but I'm trying to build you up to why I was grumpy on the Sunday! & also, to add a quote from a Colleague & Friend of mine"Mister Magoo" - Listening to Mark tell a story is like watching him Fall Down Stairs?!] So, Sunday came, and we'd basically done the vast part of the Ironing, me being the helpful (Supervisory) self that I am, I'd tucked in and done one or two bits every few minutes hours! Now... for those of you who don't know me (You BLOODY WELL SHOULD BY NOW!) I'm a bit nomadic on all things that I do, and to put into context, we've been in our new house a little less than a year, and I've lost count of the number of times I've swapped some of the content around in said rooms; the room my office is on now (for now!) has been a bedroom, an office, back to a bedroom and back to an office (and I may have missed one out there!) The same can be said for our living room, in that I finally got the living room I wanted (Big part of choosing this house was the size of the living room, so that I could finally get the TV of my dreams, BIG!). So, to the rest of the story! I've been pondering swapping the organisation of the room around for some time now; my girlfriend shudders with fear when she recognises the look in my eye (No! not that one!) when I'm pondering a move... However, on this occasion, I'd only pondered it, not actually seriously considered it... YET! Sunday, 3pm (time your winding down in preparation for bugger all else happenning) and she says 'out of the blue' "So then, are we swapping the room around then?" "Huh?" I replied "Come on... you've been wanting to do it for ages, lets do it!" Hmmm.... (I pondered), I've been wanting to do other stuff for ages, but you won't let me... "Yeah, but if we do, I'll have to sort out all the Sky cables and everything again?" (i.e. extend then from one side of Living room to the other) [ Getting to how I was going to cut this story about How I made the Little girl in B&Q Cry - Honest! ] Long Silence here as my girlfriend was gesturing 'And ????' (i.e Implying that I actually had nothing else to do??) OK.... Went to B&Q.... (and Here's where the Penguin Comes into it... Now we're almost there, and what you need to know at this point, is that we actually had already been to B&Q the day before and seen these really cute (Sh*t Did I say Cute??) like bouncy Penguin things... to try and describe them, they're about 10-11 inches tall, with feet and a body, but connected with a huge spring, which when you prod them, they kind of bounce, really cute like (B*llocks, said the Cute word again!) So there I am in B&Q buying the aforementioned bits and bobs, when I suddenly thought to myself 'hmm.. way to get into the good books, I'll go buy the penguin' well.. y'know how it is, I get to where they were and there are NONE LEFT... "NOOOOOOooo.........!" but just then, I hear a whining brat of a girl, "mum... mum.... mum.... mum.... can I have... I want.... Gimme' y'know the kind of thing... I turned around to scowl at the child when I noticed that she had the Penguin in her hand.... (If you could picture my face now, it'd be a cross between Roger Moores Trademark eyebrows-a-twitchin and Jack Nicholson in the classic scene from The Shining where he's hunting people) I thought to myself... "THATS MY PENGUIN YA LITTLE B*TCH!" and just as if Satan himself was a sittin on my shoulder, the mother spun around (obviously pissed off already by no doubt constant whining) and shouted, while scowling "Put that back, we aint having it, we have enough Xmas cr@p already" to which the brat sulked and stomped and pretty much through the penguin back upon the shelf. Now, at this point I KNEW I had to work fast, the aisle was heaving and there were plenty of people looking at it as she put it back on the shelf, so in a zoomed, just like Action Jackson, I barged, and shoved and grabbed it off the shelf before it had stopped bouncing... but.....just then.... "WAHHHHHHhhhh!!!...... Mommy.... Mommy.... That man's just grabbed my penguin!" Busted! - The brat from hell yelled at the top of her voice and the aisle fell silent! everyone turned to scowl at me... "Oh F*ck!" err.... smiling and giggling innocently (like Scooby Doo) - JUST like the grinch, I set off hot-footing it up to the tills, feintly hearing the cries of Hell-Child, but I didn't care, it was mine, mine, all mine, just like Golumn from Lord of the Rings, it's not like I'd have to see her again is it! Hee Hee Suckers!

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