Sunday, April 10, 2011

Cancelling Sky TV

(Circa November 2001)

We Had SKY TV at home, and  were waiting (seemingly an endless amount of time, to move into a New-Build house, that's another story though!)

Now, I'm not averse to Sports, but it really Winds Me Up and I'm sure that the vast population of Non-Sky-Sports subscribers will no doubt agree with me, that it P*sses them off that they seem to be regularly penalised (in the charges going up) for the amount of money SKY funds out to the Premiership Football. So I decided Bollocks to you Rupert Murdoch!, I'm Cancelling my SKY, now I still want some of it, but cannot be arsed with a bloody dish on the side of my new house (as I'm about to move) when I can get for cheaper and with as much Digital TV as I want to watch the same service from On/ITV (Whatever they decide to bloody call themselves) without having to get some poor git to climbup a ladder and put the dish on my wall!

So (eventually) I decided to Cancel My SKY. Now doing this (if you don't already know) is almost as hard as cancelling your Gymn Membership.

I rang the number on my SKY TV help page :

Attempt 1 :

Got the Automated Answering machine "Press 1 if you can speak English, 2 If not" (that sort of thing) and subsequent numbers 4 or 5 different Menus, then eventually getting a message saying "Sorry, All our customer services personnel are a-sleep, Please Try later.. [click] Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Attempt 2 :

Same as before, but thought I'd trick it by pressing a number I didn't want, and then got on-hold music for 5-10 minutes, went to make a brew, took a nap etc.. etc.. Eventually getting someone "Hello, this is SKY... [blah blah blah] your number one in Digital TV, How may I assist you???"

"Hi, I'd like to reduce my SKY subscription please... I'm moving in a month or so, and to be honest, never watch the Movies anymore, so can I remove them from my pack?"

"REALLY??? Why would you like to do that, don't you know SKY TV is the most value-for-money Digital TV network available to Man, beast and the Galaxy in General>> in fact, its that good, you should go without food to pay for it!" (I may have exaggerated that a bit?)

"Err... No I didn't know that, but thanks for sharing it with me I'll be sure to take-note and appreciate it someday in the future!... anyway, getting back to my original question, Can you just reduce it please?"

"Why of course, although the value-for-money service you get form SKY TV is second to none, but we can do that for you no problem.... Could I have your telephone number please?"

"Yeah... sure... but wouldn't the SKY Number on the Card be better for you?"

"Erm... No.. our computer system is asking me for a telephone number?"

"Okay!.... iits.... XXXXX XXXXXX (Wouldn't want you out there stalking me would I?)"

[pause] "Erm.... I'm sorry Sir... we don't appear to have that number on record, could I have your Post code?"

"Yeah sure..... but I could just give you the SKY Card number? but here's the postcode... it's XYZ XYZ"

[pause] "Erm... .I'm sorry... we don't appear to have that either??"

"I tell you what, how's about I give you the Card number for SKY that I have in my hand?"

"Yes, that would be great!" [picture me raising my eyes to the heavens!]

[longer pause and some whispering] "How strange is this? we don't appear to have your details or number on file?... Are you sure you have SKY digital Sir?"

[Now, I'm not renowned for being the most patient of Men so you can imaging that I was biting my lip and holding on to the floods of sarcasm that were welling up!]

"You know, I actually don't have SKY, just the house furniture on the side of my wall about 14 feet up that looks like a Dish but actually isn't, and I was bored tonight and it was a toss-up between lying on the rail-tracks, running into the side of a crowded bus shelter or ringing SKY and you know what.... I thought I'd ring you"

What I actually said was, "Nope, I'm pretty sure I have SKY! you seem to find me when you post your monthly bill to me at Mr. ???????"

[long long pause] Just then, they found me.... "Oh Sir, Sir.... are you still there?"

[No... I thought I'd go and do the lying on tracks thing while I was waiting - Of course I'm still here!?

"Yes, I'm here...."

"We've found you! for some reason you are listed under the name of Mr. Ashtma?? hee hee [little titter from the other end of the line]"

"Yeah, that's a common mistake, for some reason if you spell check my surname it comes out as that [Asthma] ?? Could you please rectify it and change the telephone number etc.... while your in there?"

"Of course sir, I'm sorry it took so long!"

"Don't worry about it Mate, I'm only calling you long distance to Scotland, and besides, the train I was going to lie under went past an hour ago!"

[pause] "Huh... Okay..... Tum Ti Tum Tum.... all sorted....Now... What was it you wanted?"

[Image a long pause follows by a Series of THUNK! noises - this was me slamming my head in the living room door!]

"I rang about 1/2 hour ago to reduce my SKY as I no longer watch movies... remember?"

"Ah yes.... Sorry sir, Long Day [no shit!] ok... I'll have to put you through to another department for that... Are you ok Holding?"

"Fine.... please try to Hurry, Christmas is coming and I have a Turkey to Stuff!" [God Aweful on-hold music occasionally interrupted with "Here at SKY, we're directed to making your TV viewing an absolute pleaseure and with our Value-for-money programming schedules your sure to not get P*ssed off at all while we're running up your huge BT Bill!...!"

"Hello.... Hello... This is SKY how can I help you?" [same bloke]

"Erm... This is still Mr. Asthma your putting me through to someone to reduce my SKY programs ?"

"I am ? Oh.... just hang on, they must be busy... let me try again...." [on-hold music..... occasional scream as the customer service people hang themselves with the Telepohones]

"Hello.... Hello Can I help You?"

"YES! Some Idiot is meant to be putting me though to the department who can reduce my SKY costs?"

"Yes Sir, could you give me your Telephone number please?"

"WHAT! I've just done that? Why do I have to do it again?"

"I'm sorry sir, but we have to do this for verification purposes!"

"OK... It's xxxx xxxxxx the same as it was 15 minutes ago!"

[pause] "Hmm... funny Sir, we don't seem to have that on record?"

"You don't say? Look Mr. I've been through this once already... I just want to reduce my SKY ok!"

"Yes Sir... but it's these computers, they're always making mistakes"

"Whatever!, my SKY card number is XXX XXXXX Can you just look that up for me ?"

[pause] "WE have that number on file, but it's to a Mr. Asthma?"

[Deep Breath!] "Look.... I've been through this also, and the previous man changed those details, Can you just reduce the SKY or not?"

"Yes sir, but until I confirm your identity I cannot do anything else..."

[long pause and sounds of typing on the line]

"OK Sir... we have your details on file.. What can I do for you tonight?"

[GNASHING OF TEETH] "I want to Cancel SKY!"

[pause] "Oh???, I thought you only wanted to reduce it?"

"I did, but I now want to cancel it!... I've been on this phone for over an hour, just cancel the God Damned SKY will you?"

[pause] "Ermm.... I'm afraid I cannot do that for you sir, Please hold while I put you through to the relevant department...CLICK"


[long pause later] "Hello Mr. Asthma, I believe you want to cancel SKY Digital? - May I ask Why?"

"You have got to be kidding.... I've been on hold for over an hour, through 2 or 3 different people, changed my details at least TWICE, and all JUST to reduce the amount of money I pay to you...I'm moving, and cannot be arsed with moving my dish etc... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOUR BODY AND THE UNIVERSE, JUST CANCEL IT!"

[pause] "I'm sorry to inconvenience you sir, we are very busy and have strict guidelines to follow... May I take you through our customer satisfaction survey and ask you some questions on why you want to cancel SKY Digital, the most Value-for-money Digital TV service available to Man, Beast and Galaxy?"


"Look, just cancel the SKY please, no surveys, no more people, For the love of God and your own Body just Bloody cancel it!"

"Ok Sir, that's done, there is a 30 day cancellation period... Thank you for your time [rapidly speeding up voice] Please feel free to call us for re-connection at any time....." [click - The line went dead!]

So in Conclusion, If your going to Cancel SKY, do it about 3 months in advance, and DO NOT have the SKY card in your hand!


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