Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Just call me "Static Man"

Many years ago, I worked in an office along with a load of women; amongst these women was a really, REALLY annoying one 'P'.

This women NEVER shut up... ON & ON & ON & ON about sod-all; how good her kids were, how they'd all go to Cambridge, how hard done to she was with life.... drawl, drawl, drawl. Ya know, one of those voices that grinds through your teeth like a Dentists drill and compounding this she wasn't a very nice person either..

Anyway, that was a build up to how annoying this woman was..

To cut a long story short, I had at the time a bad case of the Shocks, no doubt the cheap sh*t shoes I had or the nasty looking Nylon carpet, and this would invariably mean that I'd touch people give them a really nasty CRACK!

So this particular day 'B' was making her useful Whining noises about her Lot in life when the guy I worked with finally snapped, slammed down his pen, muttered how much she was getting on our nerves and DARED me to Shock her...
So... after some careful consideration, I accepted the challenge and decided that if I was going to do this, I'd go for gold, so I SHUFFLED my way from the recessed office we were in, out into the main office, up and down (like a choo-choo train), left and right, and then.... across to the area 'B' sat in.

But.... JUST before I physically reached her (and I must say, having some last minute doubts), as I was about to dis-charge myself on the table or something else, I came within what must have been about 6 inches of her neck and there was a loud


Yep, you guessed it... the BIGGEST Static charge I think I had ever aquired, shot from me onto the back of 'B's neck.. Instantly she dropped forward (luckily she was sitting) and her arms went full length across the table... there was a Moan and then EVERY..... ONE.... WENT.... QUIET!

Luckily for me, noone had noticed my Shuffling... there was a pause and then all of them rushed to her assistance and carried the limp body out of the office.

I seriously thought I'd killed her.. I looked at my 'accomplice' who was White and managed to recognise his lip-sync of "OH F*CK!"

There was an endless time of waiting, seemed like hours, I was literally clamping my legs together trying to stop myself from following through on my chair, when one of the 'helpers' came in, collected her belongings and then ushered to the waiting crowd that they were going to have to take "B" home as...

"She'd messed herself!"

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