Saturday, April 09, 2011

My 21st. Birthday with Linda Lusardi

Well... Many, MANY years ago I was 21, and at that time I worked at the Towel Manufacturers (Chortex, Victoria Mill in Horwich) and had a real good group of male and female friends, so a 'DO' was arranged and we were to meet in a Pub 'The Swan' in Bolton.
I picked up my mate, left my car at his, and we walked into Bolton, and into the pub, and thus... the night began!

A few drinks into the evening, the rest of the gang arrived, with a parcel all wrapped up in birthday (and some news-paper) and plonked it in the middle of the table we were sat at.

"For me ??" I asked
"Of course.... BUT....and it's a BIG BUT (So I've been told), I can only remove one wrapping, per drink..."
"Okay... no probs"
< it turned out later on that the vast mass of the box was ACTUALLY wrapping paper, there must have been over a dozen wrappings in total!>
Much, MUCH later on, (and completely shit-faced) I finally removed the last wrapping, to find that my 21st. birthday present was actually a Blow-Up Sex-doll with Linda Lusardi (Top Page 3 Model of the early 80's) on the box


Now.... at this moment, more hands that I can remember shot towards me and tore the packaging to pieces so I was left with the most horrendously ugly and cheap Rubber Doll I've ever seen - JESUS CHRIST! The doll, was whipped up off the table and dissapeared for a couple of minutes only to arrive back on my lap ALL BLOWN UP and in glorious technicolor...

The description, horrific as it was, is as follows :
  1. This THING did not resemble Linda Lusardi in the slightest, it was a horrid pink, with a stuck on face, Gob (mouth) wide open.
  2. It had about 5 strands of wool (YES WOOL) glued across the head, which was meant to resemble Hair
  3. Had stick on Boobs (but they were on what appeared to be a sheet of armour plating?)
  4. A Hole between the legs
  5. A Hole in the Ass (Yep, Ze' Ass!)
  6. Was moulded so it was on it's knees
  7. And had one hand cupped so there was yet another 'HOLE' for your err... pleasure!
So.... over the course of the evening, and many failed attempts to deflate the object (one of which was to try and crush it between my legs, which as you can imagine, looked a tad suspicious... Thank God I was pissed!) and the rest of the evening was spent carrying it under my jacket, with the occasional head popping out as I was walking along!

Anyway, when I did get home, the day after, into a box it went and into the loft, for a good few years, UN-USED (HONESTLY)

Many years later, I was moving into my first home, and was emptying the loft of my collections of stuff, to load into the waiting van, when by-chance I happened to come across (not literally) the offending item!
well... I thought, this Bloody well aint going with me, so into the van it went for the dump-run....

UNFORTUNATELY, the first item in the Van which will have significance to you in a minute!

As I arrived at the dump, no-one was around (thankfully), so I opened up the back doors of the van, and started to throw my crap over the wall, UNFORTUNATELY, the Box the Doll was in was the first thing in the Van, and alas.... the LAST thing I got to on emptying... and even Worse was the fact that as if by 'Heavenly Piss-take' the whole of the village I lived in at the time seemed to arrive at that moment!

So... as quick as possible, I grabbed the box, ran towards the wall, BUT instead of just dropping the box over the edge, which would have been SOOOOooo much better, I decided to launch said box up, up and away skyward! and just as you'd expect, the box happened to open mid-flight and the Dolly, vacate and spread itself like a Bat, and float ENDLESSLY down to earth, landing right in the middle of the Yard, right in-front of the Skip Tractor in full view of all, including the Tractor driver...

I'm sure even the birds stopped chirping as Time......... Stood........ Still..........

Needless to say, I don't go to that dump anymore...


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